Third Review

I am now in the third review stage.

It is really strange how the lessons, or this time the instructions to the review always reflect my mood.

For example this is in the beginning of the review...

Unwillingness can be most carefully concealed behind a cloak of situations. Learn to distinguish situations that are poorly suited to your practicing from those that you establish to uphold a camouflage for your unwillingness.

That's exactly how I was feeling last week and I couldn't understand why I was unwilling to put myself into the lessons and commit.

The review will therefore be helpful as I feel it is needed and I can embrace it correctly now.

Lesson 110

Today's lesson is all about accepting who we are.

I don't believe that means we can't improve on what we are, but it means to accept our flaws and be the best of who we can be.

I really think this means we should be as lovely as we can be and be as nice to others as possible. I try so hard to be caring and polite. This is not always appreciated but I find the odd time it is accepted it really makes a difference. 

When we accept who we are, I also think it important to accept others as they are. 

I have found it extremely distressing to read and hear other peoples reaction to Will Young leaving Strictly Come Dancing. Although normally a person walking out of reality TV show wouldn't normally enter my thoughts, this time it has. He has left claiming 'personal reasons' and although I have no idea what these reasons are many people have jumped to conclusions. He had a very short row with one of the judges and many are commenting he has left in a strop or he doesn't like being criticised and thrown his toys out of the pram.

Whilst I don't know Will at all, I have met him a couple of times through my radio work, but that doesn't mean I know him, it is well documented he suffers from mental health issues. It is also reported he had six months of treatment after an emotional breakdown.

What if the pressures of a relatively TV show was too much for him and he has seen the warning signs and what if he has done the right thing by recognising this and choosing his own health over the appearance fee.

I do believe we should always accept people for what they are and not judge, everyone has personal problems, every one is fighting an internal fight, even if they are incredible dancers on a reality TV show.

Lesson 109

I took a few days off. I wasn't feeling inspired and the lessons were feeling a bit of a chore and I didn't want that.

At one point I contemplated giving up and finding another path, but I relaxed and tried to not worry and I felt the time is now right to return, so here I am back, refreshed and happy.

Lesson 109 is all about peace and rest. Which is quite apt considering that's what I have been doing this week. I had a week off with not too much to do, I was quite selfish, went on plenty of country walks with my dog, chilled out and tried to catch up with sleep!

I think it is important to rest, something I, like most people, have little time to do. As a mother of an eight year old boy who loves being active I have very little time to myself. My son has far more party's to go to than I would ever dream of and his football fixtures takes him far and wide, which obviously I have to drive him to. I am not complaining, far from it, but it does give me very little time to reflect and rest.

This is why it today's lesson is so important, to take time out from the day, even if for a few minutes an hour to appreciate the day and to slow down even if just for a moment.

Lesson 108

Have you ever noticed in a discussion or argument if you suddenly stop being aggressive and give out kindness,  the other person also calms down?

That's what today's lesson is all about, only giving out peace, quietness and gentleness. Whatever you give is also what you recieve.

If all you give out is these qualities then you will only recieve those qualities back.

All I am to do is give out peace from no onwards. It won't be easy as I do have a tendency to flair if I am pushed!

I do believe the theory behind today's lesson it's just if practically I can achieve it as I believe we all have a breaking point, maybe that's what I have to erase to move forward.

Lesson 107

This lesson centres around truth and not believing in illusions.

Truth is that everything that happens is there to teach, guide and ultimately lead to happiness. The illusions are that everything that is happening around you that you may not see as favourable is there to make you unhappy.

I am off work officially now for a week. I am though having to go in for a few hours on Monday afternoon. To begin with I wasn't very happy with the circumstance, but really there is no problem, I am working with people who I don't often see and who I actually enjoy greatly working with. I am also earning overtime, which is greatly appreciated! The afternoon will be more like a social occasion that I am being paid for so how can I be anything else than happy!

Today lesson really is another way of turning around your thoughts on all situations.

Lesson 106

Lesson 106 is about keeping calm and ignoring your ego.

In everyday circumstances this is now simple, I can identify most of the times when my ego is screaming at me. But as soon as something a little bit more than an everyday annoyance rears its ugly head it's a battle for me to keep the ego quite. I am better now at identifying it so I am making progress. But I still have flashes of choosing the ego over my calmness.

The more progress and lessons taken then I am holding it will then become second nature to never lesson to ego.

Lesson 105

I continue on the theme of happiness. Todays lesson is about peace and joy.

These last few days have been repetitive and although I don't mind that, I do find my mind is wondering from the lessons as I don't feel I am exploring any new concepts. Perhaps the point of the repetitiveness is to make putting happiness first second nature.

Is it becoming second nature for me? In small ways yes, but I haven't taken any big leaps away from everything that doesn't bring me peace. I was having a lunch with a friend the other day and we were discussing changing careers. I had so many excuses on why I couldn't at the moment make that leap. I have a child, I have a mortgage, I have other huge bills and the list of reasons why went on and on.

Should I be responsible yet not at peace or should I be trusting that everything will work out if I follow my heart?

I will continue the lessons and see if it becomes clear. 

Lesson 104

Today's lesson continues on the theme of happiness and tells us that joy and peace are our right.

This is what I have learnt today....

Make sure your happiness comes from within, never ever rely on anything outside to make you happy. Anything on the outside can be taken away at any moment, but you control the inside and that will always be yours.

Once you live by that, nothing will be able to trouble you or control your emotions.

Lesson 103

Lesson 103 explains the connection between love and happiness. They are intertwined and everything in your daily life should be done with love.

If all of your actions are done with love, then there is no room for anything else.

I usually react quickly to many things that annoy me so today rather than acting in anger or fear, I have taken a moment to react with goodness and it is incredible what a difference it makes. Everything just seems easier, there are no disagreements or lingering bad feelings.

Today has been relatively straight forward, I haven't had any huge issues or anything too challenging so when I am faced with something that usually triggers a negative reaction I will see how I cope! 

Lesson 102

Lesson 102 starts with the line 'You do not want to suffer'

This may seem obvious, but there have been so many times I thought the easy option was to stay in a negative mood and keep being grumpy or even miserable.

Lifting yourself from a negative to positive mood is relatively easy so why is it so addictive to stay down in the dumps?

Every where I go people are moaning, I am as guilty as the next person, but why is it our way to be negative rather than seeing the good.

I have been trying all day to look at the positives in every single situation and it actually feels very uplifting.  Every time something goes wrong or I see something I could moan at I only see the positives, it is hard because venting your frustration feels good too! But long term focusing on the positives is much healthier.

I will try not to slip back into my old negative ways, but oh it does feel good to have a good old moan every now and again, so I will secretly miss it!

Lesson 101

As I mentioned yesterday, todays lesson continues on the theme of happiness. Lesson 101 goes one step further and reminds us that there is no sin.

I am learning to say no to anything that unbalances me but equally I am saying yes to things that do make me happy. I am finding that doing this as much as I can, I am finding my energy has been raised and I am a lot happier. I am also finding as a result I am enjoying my own company more. I am able to go on walks on my own, sit on my own in a park or just sit quietly. It's not that I couldn't do it before, but I found that I was filling up my days seeing people and not enjoying my own company. I was clearly unhappy with my own thoughts therefore doing anything possible to avoid them.

This period of the lessons stays on the theme of happiness and so far it's lifting my moods greatly.

Lesson 100

Lesson 100 is about happiness and trying to keep a state of happiness at all times regardless of the situation.

It takes courage to be happy when things aren't going well, I admire people who do. There have been, in the past, situations where I have seen people who have been happy at times when I know they have been go through a rough patch. I have often thought they are cold hearted, bit now I can see they are smiling regardless and making sure they keep going and accepting the bad times.

Lesson 101 continues on the theme of happiness and keeping in that state, the lessons currently are written in a much more human way and actually make more sense than before, which feels so refreshing! I'm really enjoying them.

Lesson 99

Lesson 99 is very similar to yesterday although rather than forgiving yourself for mistakes the lesson teaches you should always give forgiveness to others.  Just like yesterday, others don't make mistakes on purpose and I'm sure that the intention was never to cause distress. Another way to look at it is there is actually nothing to forgive as the intention was never from a bad place.

Today has been beautiful in London, bright blue sky and a cool breeze, today has been an easy day to be grateful and happy. Most of my friends love autumn, I in the past have hated it because it's the start of the downward spiral of the weather and the run up to winter. If you have ever worked early mornings then I am sure you can relate that the freezing cold winter mornings are super hard work! Getting out of bed is torture, scraping the ice off the car windscreen is miserable and walking anywhere with the bitter wind in your face is agony. So autumn has for me never been a time to celebrate.

This autumn I am going to change my mindset about it and give it a chance. Today had an autumn feel to it and it was a gorgeous day. I'm going to enjoy each day and put out of my mind that winter is just around the corner!

Lesson 98

Today's lesson talks about being certain and putting all doubts to one side. Also remembering mistakes aren't mistakes but lessons so we learn from and to be led to the right path.

The lesson is also about turning around guilt. One thing I have never understood about organised religions is guilt. Most religions thrive on making the followers feel guilt about all sorts. Today's lesson states you should never feel guilty about our actions but see them as mistakes.

Mistakes aren't mistakes if they are lessons and I honestly don't believe mistakes are bad. Think about every mistake you have made. Did you go into the mistake with good intentions or bad? Did you realise the outcome would be so bad if you did what you did? I can't believe that anyone would wake up in the morning and set out to purposefully make a mistake.

Think through all the mistakes that are currently worrying or concerning you, think why it happened and then forgive yourself and know your actions came from a good place.  

Lesson 97

Lesson 97 is simple - to concentrate on being 'spirit'

One of my favorite quotes from Dr Wayne Dyer is

“We are not human beings in search of a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

I spent time today on my own in a park reading and appreciating my surroundings. I concentrated in being in the moment. Out of nowhere appeared a dog. I love animals especially dogs and this one just decided to befriend me. It sat at my feet and looked for strokes and just chilled out with me for about an hour.

What a lovely hour spent! I found it's owner, but I secretly wished it was a stray so I could have taken him home!

During the time in the park I was reading an i-book that was sent to me for free, it's a book by Kyle Gray who I listen to on Hay House Radio but I have never read any of his material before. His work revolves around Angels.

Do I believe in Angels, I am open minded. As humans we tend to only believe in things we can see or touch, but there are so many things we can't but do accept. Like our soul...everyone surely agrees we have a soul...but where is it?  Therefore I am reading this book with an open mind, in a similar way that I am taking this course.

Lesson 96

Lesson 96 explores the idea that you are not a character on many levels but just one.

Many people, including myself, think that we have at least 2 sides to our character. Most of the times I am lovely and calm but at times I can be angry and cold. I have to accept that is me, but what I need to do is learn that essentially I am, as I should be, a kind and happy person. I have to explore my own person to find out what triggers my anger and unblances my calm. Once that is figured out all I need to do is avoid it!

I was walking in central London today and I walked past a young women who was heavily pregnant. She was crying. I asked her if she was OK, clearly she wasn't but I just had to ask, it just wouldn't have felt right to ignore her. She looked at me to begin with like I was insane for asking, but her features softened and she smiled. She told me she was fine and she walked away. I hope she is fine, I hope she was and I hope like any us can she was just having a wobble.

Driving home I was listening to the radio and a famous magician has written a book about happiness. He was being interviewed about his new venture. One of the things he said to achieve happiness was to lower your expectations.  Whilst I understand the sentiment, I absolutely disagree. Never ever lower your expectations. Do your best at all times and keep striving for more and expect the best will come to you.

Lesson 95 (Again!)

It's taken me a few days to come back to the lessons because I have had gone back to my old ways of finding it easier to stay in a grump! 

How do the lessons know how I am feeling? 

Within lesson 95 there is a line about forgiving yourself if there's a lapse or a failure to follow out instructions. It also goes on to say this should only be regarded as a mistake and this calls just for a correction.

The essence of the lesson is not to see yourself as weak or sinful but to see yourself as whole and limitless.

I took the weekend to collect my thoughts and think about how far I have come in these short months and how hard I have worked. I am not the sort of person to walk away from anything without giving it my best shot, so I am certainly not going to walk away from this course. 

Full attention is required and that's what I will give it.

Lesson 95

I nearly, again, gave up on the lessons.

Life is so busy, hectic and stressful. I have so many lovely moments and then other times I feel like the rug has been pulled from under my feet.

Apologies this is short, I don't feel like I gave enough attention to today's lesson, so I will repeat it again.

I am so determined to do this, but obstacles keep throwing me off course and I am clearly not as strong as I thought. 

All I know is that when I make my happiness the most important thing amazing things happen. When I let everything get on top of me, I spiral downwards. The answer is clear.

Lesson 94

Lesson 94 takes a slightly different direction.

The lesson revolves around accepting oneself as who they are. Encouraging you to let go of the sense of who you should be but be as you are intended which is both happy and peaceful.

I totally agree with this sentiment. As a women, I enjoy looking good but I only do it for myself never because I want to impress. I saw a quote a few days ago which said

'A flower blooms for itself not because someone walks past'

That really made me think about why there is so much pressure on us all, not just women, to look a certain way. Today for example I am wearing a lovely summer dress and high heels whereas on Monday I was in a T-shirt, jeans and flat shoes. I have to be honest I feel so much better when dressed up so I do believe I dress for myself.

As for behaving or feeling in a certain way, which is what I believe this lesson is really about, I do think behavior changes with whom we are dealing with.  There are people, not many but there are some, who just as the expression goes 'rub me up the wrong way'. My reaction to those people are totally different to those who are calm.

This is wrong! My reactions should be mine alone. I should keep calm and relaxed at all times. I actually carried out a little private experiment with someone who I have a difficult relationship with. I was overly nice to her and never once reacted to anything that annoyed me. Although the relationship isn't incredible now, it has improved greatly and the good thing is that I am prioritising my happiness.

Lesson 93

Today's lesson is essentially about finding peace.

I have been in many situations today when I could have been the opposite to peaceful. So many it's not true! I was supposed to having a lovely calm day but ended working a longer day than I thought and not getting any of my day to day chores done.

With my new mind set, I kept thinking about the positives. I earned a few extra pounds (always good) I caught up with some work friends I don't usually see as they work at the other end of the day and I had a pile of ironing to do at home which I didn't have to do, that can always wait until tomorrow.

I really think the key is to concentrate on keeping yourself happy. To make your own happiness your priority. So many times in the past I have done things because I thought it was the right thing to do or I thought it would make someone else happy.

Lesson 92

Todays lesson concentrates on light and again on strength.

After yesterdays wobble I am feeling both strong and weak. Strong because I picked myself up so quickly but weak as I can see how things can still affect me. I am determined to not let anything get in the way of my happiness, but to do that I have to let go of anything that doesn't make me happy or change my view of the situation. 

For example I can't just walk out on my job! There are, like most people experience, many aspects of my work I love, but equally there are many I can't stand. So why have I let the negatives out shine the positives, which I have so many times in the past. I have let one small part of my job ruin all the good. I have worked through that now and I can see the way forward. I am absolutely determined, as today's lesson stresses, not let the darkness take over the light.

As for other aspects of my life, I now feel positive to let go of anything that doesn't make me happy.

The one thing that isn't as easy just to let go of is my terrible back problem which makes me so unhappy, but I am determined to get it fixed and until it is I will not let it get the better of me. I will stop doing anything that aggravates it and not feel bad when the condition prevents me from doing anything and I will no longer feel guilty for asking for help, which I have done so many times in the past!

Maybe yesterdays wobble was the kick up the bottom I needed to force me to refocus.

Lesson 91

Lesson 91 starts with the idea that miracles and vision are linked, but soon turns to strength.

The actual exercise concentrates on reminding oneself that you do have strength, power and certainty.

I like the exercise as it is repetitive and does give some feelings of power.

Sadly, personally, I have had a set back today. I don't know why, because I have been dealing with a lot of my 'issues' calmly and sensibly. Things that's have been getting under my skin so to speak, I have managed to think differently and rationally about. I have no idea why today I temporarily went straight back to my old self and became very upset and lost control of my emotions.

The good news is the feelings only lasted briefly and I brought myself back to my 'new' way of thinking and I am determined to choose only those feelings which make me feel good about myself. I have to find the strength to turn my back on those feelings which make me feel frustrated, angry and especially out of control.

Tomorrow's lesson is an extension on today's so I'm hoping for even more strength.

Review 2 (lessons 81 - 90)

I enjoy these review periods. It's a bit like revising for an exam. I have been going over emotions I have already been through before, but this time I have a greater understanding on how it affects me directly.

The review has made me realise that I, just like everyone else, deserves to be happy. Anything that doesn't make me happy I either walk away from or change my perception of it. During the review period I have had challenges both at work and personally. For all of the challenges I have said to myself before reacting to them, "how should I react to this that keeps my happiness intact"

When I have taken this approach I do think perhaps I seem a pushover or someone who doesn't care but the truth is I care above all else that I stay happy.

Many lovely unexpected things have happened over the last few days. For example my son came home today telling me he had the best day ever at school because he had been voted by his class mates as 'class rep'. Obviously I was bursting with pride.

My parents visited me and even at my age they spoilt me rotten including buying me a couple of beautiful dresses.

And on a dog walk I bumped into and chatted to an actress from one of my favourite television shows and we chatting for ages about our dogs!

I have had a sneaky look ahead to the upcoming lessons and there is a theme of 'light'

Lightness can shut out darkness, but darkness can't shut out the light.

I look forward to tomorrow when the lesson resume!

Lesson 80

Lesson 80 continues from yesterday. It states that once you have identified your problems, your problems will be resolved.

Whilst I agree looking at your problems in a different way and seeing them not as problems but as something else will help, I'm not sure all problems can just magically disappear overnight!

I understand looking at any aspect of your life with different eyes and a fresh perspective will help and will make a lot of problems seem nowhere near as bad as they were before I don't believe that all problems can be solved in that way.

Some extreme circumstances can not be sorted out overnight. For example many years ago when I owed a significant amount of money on a credit card and I was worrying about it none stop I turned it into a game rather than a problem. I played a game with myself on how little I could live on each month so that I could pay more and more off my credit card bill. The problem wasn't a problem whilst I was playing the game but I was contemplating if someone was in so much financial debt and they had court letters issued or the threat of losing their house then playing 'a game' like I did potentially wouldn't make their troubles disappear especially overnight!

Many argue that over spending isn't a case of someone mismanaging money or someone being greedy, it's deeper than that. It's the use of money to forget the real pain in their life. Some people use drugs, some use alcohol, many use food but many use money to forget what's really going on. That's the problem that needs to be identified. Sometimes it is not that easy to search deep inside to find out why our problems really exist.

I am now entering a 10 day period of review.

Lesson 79

Lesson 79 is about recognising your problems so they can be solved.

Often we are carrying around feelings or do stuff which aren't causing us happiness. I know lots of people who detest their jobs and it makes them miserable Monday to Friday and live for the weekend only. The solutions are either change your job (not always that simple) or change your view of the job. If you have a terrible manager who treats you badly, change your view. Know the reason they are treating you like they are is their issue and not really a reflection on you but a reflection on them. Once you really believe that honestly it does get better.

I was listening again to Mike Dooley on Hay House Radio today and he was talking about carrying out actions for the right reasons and not purley for the selfish reasons which only serve the ego. For example if you are invited to a party you know there are going to be lots of people whom could help you with your business or career, why are you saying yes? Is it purley for the reason you can charm the one person who can elevate your status or are you going to see what happens, but ultimately because you know you will have a good time and be happy.

Lesson 78

Today the reason revolves around grievances and miracles. It attempts to teach that there is always a choice between a grievance or a miracle.

When something challenging rears its ugly head my tendancy is to panic and let my mind go into overdrive about all the disasterous things that could happen as a result. For example about six months ago my working hours changed. I had to start just half an hour earlier which to most people wouldn't be a big deal but for me it was. It involved more childcare costs, logistics about getting to work and also psychologically my alarm going off at 2.45am rather than 3.15am was difficult. I spent weeks getting upset, angry and frustrated but the changes happened regardless of all my wasted energy. In that situation I chose grievance. In reality yes financially I am worse off and yes I am even more tired in the week than I was before but it hasn't ruined me. What it has done is force me to see things differently and accept that changes will happen and I must deal with them differently.

It's also made me appreciated my time more, be more organised in the evening so I go to bed earlier enough to deal with the ridiculously early alarm clock and overall look after my health.

Change often presents itself as a scary and ugly situation but usually in change there is an underlying message and one we must trust will lead us to a better path if we could just see it as a good thing rather than a grievance.

Lesson 77

Lesson 77 is all about miracles. I told myself all day, as the lesson demanded, that I am entitled to miracles.

What is a miracle? I guess that depends on your definition. Some people would see a miracle as simple things, like having the sun on their back or having the laughter of loved ones around them. Others may only see a miracle as a load of money suddenly appearing in front of them. I guess you have to decide what sort of person you are or who you want to be.

I had an ordinary day, I went to work, came home, took the dog for a walk and went to bed. So where were the miracles that I am expecting? They are really easy to identify really and it's a bit like be grateful. I had the most beautiful evening walk, lots of sunshine and gorgeous scenery and I met a new neighbour. She is a similar age to me and we had a lovely chat. Were these simple things miracles? By some peoples definition, no way! But now I see simplicity is the key to being happy then yes they were.

Lesson 76

Today's lesson concentrates on letting life unfold naturally. Letting be what is meant to be.

Accepting that worrying about a situation will never change the outcome is something I have started to do recently. In fact I think that worry is one of the most pointless emotions but one that nearly everyone does frequently. Worry won't change anything, the outcome will always be the same. I am so guilty of spending hours worrying about something. Which is an absolute waste of time.

Can you imagine spending weeks or even months worrying about something when the outcome won't change, what an absolute waste of time! If anything, I believe that consent worry about something could actually make the situation worse. If you are worrying about losing a job for example then it more than likely will make you under perform at work and you are therefore likely to lose it than someone who stays focused and positive.

I look back at so many situations both professionally and personally and now realise that my worry has made the situation so much worse and caused long term damage. I reflect with sadness, but these mistakes won't be made again my myself.

Tomorrows lesson is entitled 'I am entitled to miracles' I am intrigued and excited about it!

Lesson 75

I like Lesson 75, it encourages to let go of the past and any ill feelings and concentrate on happiness. There is also a strong focus on forgiveness.

The more I take these lessons, the more I understand that simplicity is everything. Not dwelling on the past, or having constant thoughts and worry's about the future is the way forward. I go out for walks more, but I no longer go out for walks to clear my mind, as when I walk I already have a clear mind and I look around and appreciate my surroundings. Yes that sounds cliched, but honestly try it, go for a walk, in a city, town, countryside or wherever you like and just look around you. Don't think about anything other than appreciating your surroundings. If you don't feel good afterwards let me know!

Of course I still get annoyed, only yesterday I saw something online, on someone's social media page which really made me mad....but I absorbed it for far less time than I would have done before and now, only a day later, I am actually laughing at the irony of the post. Other peoples issues are just that, theirs and from now on-wards other peoples inability to see me for who I am is no longer my concern, my only concern is my success and happiness.

Lessson 74

Lesson 74 is all about letting everything happen, letting life flow and accepting that every experience happens for a reason, good or bad. The bad stuff is there for clarity of what you really want and keeping you away from negativity.

The key really is to keep yourself happy. When the hurtful times hit you and we all know every single person goes through sad times the challenge is to accept it and trust it's happened for a reason. What the reason is will come clear eventually but at the time don't get bogged down in the misery but embrace the change as it will force you into the right direction.

It's so easy to say this from an outsiders view, but I have myself said and heard other people say so many times 'I have no idea why I was so upset' or variations along that theme. With respect to every 'bad' situation that has happened to me, every single time it has eventually lead to a better situation.

I have never been very patient and I do believe that's one of my down falls, I like to move quickly and I can appear not to be satisfied and always looking for more. But since slowing down and living in every moment more, I am finding that I am appreciating more simplicity.

I am sure that by emptying the mind of all the crazy day to day noise, there is space for the simple things in life to be appreciated and gratitude equals contentment.

Lesson 73

Lesson 73 essentially is choosing happiness over everything else. It also stresses that holding onto any sadness, anger or bitterness is a choice and at any moment you can choose to let go and make the decision to be happy.

I often find when I am sad it is easy to stay in that place, being upset and moaning about my current situation is the easy option. Finding a way to get myself out of that place is often hard work, but surely hard work is not an bad thing when the prize is happiness.

I was asked earlier this morning how my weekend went and I replied it was really lovely. For the first time in ages I truly meant it. The person asked why it was so good and I couldn't really explain, I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, just walked the dog, went to the park with my son and the local town centre and browsed around the shops. The difference was I did everything with gratitude and stayed in the moment. Usually at the weekend I just worry about Monday morning and I worry about catching up with my sleep. I didn't worry this weekend at all and it was lovely.

Lesson 72

Today's lesson is long! Most lessons are about a page long but this one is 4 pages, but what I like about it is that it combines letting go of listening to the ego, letting go of control and introducing meditation.

Before taking these lessons I wanted control of everything. All areas of my life I had to feel totally in control of otherwise I would feel totally unbalanced and I wouldn't be happy. Now that is not true, although I haven't let go of everything, which on a year long course I don't expect everything to be perfect at this stage, I have let situations flow much better without my interference or meddling!

I saw a lovely picture today of a man and a dog walking in the countryside. The picture showed both of their thoughts, the mans was full of worries and issues, whereas the dogs was just of the countryside in front of him.

As I looked at the picture I thought I don't think I could sum it up any better myself. Live in the moment, always.

Lesson 71

Today the lesson continues on yesterday's theme of happiness coming from within but it also brings in ego.

I can particularly relate to this line from the lesson which is talking about how the ego thinks. 'If someone else spoke or acted differently, if some external circumstance or event were changed, you would be saved'. The lesson identifies these thoughts demands everyone and everything else to change except yourself. If I think about it like that then of course it is ridiculous to believe that I can be happy via someone else or a different set of circumstances.

Equally external change can't make me unhappy. If something is changed or taken away then I must change my view on the situation and not let it disturb my calm or upset my internal feelings.

I have a challenging couple of weeks ahead, lots of changes are heading my way, so let's see if I can keep my balance along the way!

Lesson 70

Finally a lesson I find straight forward, helpful and a reminder of the truth.

Essentially lesson 70 is all about the only way you will find happiness, which is from within. Absolutely nothing else will make you happy. Not one person, one situation or one lottery win will make you truly happy.

I do feel passionately about this, if you put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak, then whatever it is that you think makes you happy goes away your whole world will come crashing down. Of course there will be times when you are sad or upset or feel lonely, but the trick is not to let that be all self consuming and be grateful for every thing else you have around you.

I am a big fan of Esther Hicks and I have an audio CD of hers which is permanently in my car so I listen to it over and over again. On that CD she talks about having one problem and by moving circumstances or job or even country you will still have that same problem, OK it may be in a different form but that problem will always rear its ugly head. The solution is to make that problem not a problem anymore. Change your view of the problem, see it from different angles, see it as a challenge or a blessing.

There is always a solution to every problem and I find that being grateful for everything you do have is a good mindset to solve anything.

Lesson 69

Today in the lesson there's an exercise which claims is able to clear the mind of grievances. Dutifully I followed the instructions. I had to visualize the mind full of dark clouds and then I had to think about those clouds clearing to see light. I tried and although it hasn't cleared my thoughts of all grievances it's certainly a good exercise to make me feel lighter and my thoughts less frantic.

Lots has happened today, just small and insignificant things to other people, but in the past situations which would have really annoyed me and potentially put me in a bad mood. People turning up late, a lorry pulled out onto a roundabout which could have caused me to hit him, situations at work etc, but I chose to not let any of these situations get to me. I chose to keep myself in a good place and let the feelings of annoyance go straight away.

I have only realised I am no doing this sub consciously today. So something is definitely working!

Lesson 68

Lesson 68 is about letting go of grievances. In the same way as forgiving is healthy for the mind, so is releasing any grievances. I don't want to admit this, but I sometimes do hold grudges, so I guess this is definitely one for me to work on!

I'm good at forgiving but not truly forgetting. Thinking about this, which I haven't done before in detail, I can see that it obviously is damaging. It's just as bad as not forgiving. Today's lesson states not letting go of grievances will only lead to guilt.

So that's what I have been working on, it's going to be a long road, as I clearly have some grievances which are more deep routed than others, but I know it's for my benefit. Tomorrows lesson, follows on the same theme so hopefully there will be more progress.

I have been listening to Tony Robbins a lot today, just felt I needed his honest approach, today's lesson has given me a bit of a wobble, I've found something that hasn't been easy to let go of.

I was feeling quite unsure of myself until he said something that really hit me.

"Change is inevitable but progress is optional"

There is a choice, always and I have chosen this path and it's one I am sticking to, wobbles or not!

Lesson 67

Lesson 67 is a reminder that we should be full of kindness, helpfulness and holiness. I'm not quite sure about the holiness bit, although the book was put together in the 1970's so I am presuming that the word had a slightly different meaning.

Dr Wayne Dyer has spoken many times about how if we are full of the good stuff, like love, kindness and forgiveness then that's all we can be. If we are void of the bad stuff like anger and hate then we can't give or equally receive it. He spoke beautifully about living calmly and peacefully and the more love you give out the more you will receive.

I am finding in general that I am reacting differently to circumstances. I drive a lot and I have in the past been annoyed by other road users, only yesterday I was nearly driven into twice! Usually I would be beeping the horn and getting annoyed but I just quietly said thank you that my reactions were quick enough to avoid the collision.

Lesson 66

Todays lesson continues on the theme of happiness and knowing that happiness isn't through the ego.

It has made me examine some of the times of my life when I was unhappy. Apart from times of grief, which I do believe one has to have times of sadness to grieve, all other times the reason I was most upset was because my ego was dented, damaged or deflated.

Taking other peoples decisions personally will ultimately lead to unhappiness. I can see how by me taking so many decisions personally has damaged me and now looking back it was nothing to do with me.

Decisions at work, decisions friends and family have made have ultimately been their issue or problem. The smallest of  situations have previously upset me, for example last week at work someone organised a Starbucks coffee run and forgot about me. Yes I was upset as a skinny late from Starbucks is my favorite coffee but I wasn't upset I was forgotten, where as before that would be what I focused on. I would have grumbled about it all day and if I am to be honest it would have put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

I often get people moaning at me on social media, more than often it's because when someone gets stuck on a train or on a motorway I seem to be an easy person to vent frustration on. I read the messages but then move on. I understand why people do it, I don't agree with it, but I absolutely don't take it personally. Times in the past I have thought about deleting accounts or quitting social media completely but why should I because a handful of people feel the need to moan at me.

Happiness is....not taking anything personally!

Lesson 65

I have been doing a lot of reading regarding living in the moment and gratitude. Living in the moment means you really have to give up the concept of time. To buy into the concept that just the 'now' exists is a really difficult one and to be honest I still haven't completely got my head around it!

I understand that all that matters is the now, the past has gone and the future hasn't happened and may or may not be anything like predicted so there's no point in worring about it. I find the living in the now easier at the weekend and easier when life is at a slower pace. When at work I find I am constently rushing from one thing to the next without appreciation for the moment and I do worry whether things will be achieved. I am aware though of my weak times so that's where I am to focus my energys next week.

As for gratitude, I am thankful constantly and I do count my blessings daily, but it's always good to remind oneself to do so.

Today's lesson is related to what I have been researching. It's about reminding me to think only of the good, to be think about being happy rather than seeing the bad. Remembering to only love and forgive.

It's a concept to live by, albeit a difficult one, being only that of love. Other emotions are so ready to bubble up to the surface especially during difficult times. But if you try to embrace love as the only emotion inside its certainly a start.

Lesson 64

I have to be honest, today's lesson has baffled me! The beginning of the lesson states that the lesson is just another way of saying 'Let me not wonder into temptation' I've read the lesson over and over again but I really don't see what I am supposed to be getting out of it!

Whilst browsing through a book shop today I saw a book which claimed to have rewritten A course in miracles into easier language, maybe that was a sign for me! It can be a difficult read at times, I frequently have to read the lesson three or four times before I know what I am doing!

Today I saw a quote from Dr Wayne Dyer

"Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love, and I send that love out into the world. How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine"

My first reaction was how I wish I had lived to this mantra before, but I then remembered the past is in the past and that's where it should remain. No regrets. Therefore the only thing I can do is live like this in the present moment and stick to it no matter what challenging situations I find myself in.

Lesson 63

Lesson 63 is yet another in forgiveness although today goes a step further and talks about forgiveness bringing peace of mind.

Whist I was reading about peace of mind I considered how my mind is so much calmer. 63 days in and there is definitely an improvement, obviously there is going to be the odd wobble, but by not listening to my ego, living for the moment and trusting what is happening is for the good, I can honestly say I am finding life simpler and not so chaotic.

Over the last few weeks my mind has been clear. Previously I had constant thoughts flying around my mind with conflicting thoughts constantly going around and around, honestly it was non stop. Today whilst traveling home on the underground my mind started to become noisy again. I read about a technique a few weeks ago to instantly stop this. So I closed my eyes and meditated, it was suggested that the best meditation to do when your mind is racing is to recit a poem or a song or anything you know off my heart and say it slowly over and over again and guess what, it worked!

I now have an emergency button to stop that horrid out of control mind racing chaos! If that is the only thing I get from this course, which I sure it won't be, it will be worth it.

Lesson 62

Lesson 62 revolves around forgiveness.

I actually have a slightly different view on forgiveness. I actually only give forgiveness to those I care about. Those who are unkind to me and I have no feelings towards, there is nothing to forgive. They haven't betrayed me or been disloyal, they mean nothing to me so their unkind actions are nothing to me. Those who gossip or unfairly speak of others are the ones with the issues, the ones who attack you without even getting to know you are equally the ones with the issue. Therefore there is nothing to forgive.

I always forgive those I care about. I forgive for two reasons. Firstly if I don't it's me ultimately who suffers and secondly absolutely everyone makes mistakes, I don't think anyone deliberately sets to hurt someone who they care about. It's the mistakes which hurt but they usually hurt because they have damaged the ego.

Pain, hurt and playing the victim can be addictive but is that ultimately going to lead to happiness? Forgiving is therapeutic and also gives you the power to restore the happy state of mind you deserve.

I am reading for the first time an Eckhart Tolle book and his words are very powerful this so far is my  favourite...

"Sometimes letting go is a far greater act of power than defending or hanging on"

Lesson 61

After the review the lessons are now moving into a new direction. Today's lesson is to think about yourself as being connected to source and moving away from thoughts of arrogance which therefore is distancing your mind from ego.

Earlier this morning I was driving to work and a motorway slip road was closed for roadworks, the closure meant a lengthy diversion route potentially making me late for work. When I first saw the cones blocking my way I was annoyed, I was angry there had been no warning signs and this slip road had only been closed a few weeks earlier! As I was driving on the diversion route I realised where the annoyance was coming from, it was my ego blaming others for my mistake. I should always leave the house a few minutes earlier as there is always the possibility of last moment roadworks overnight and I was really kicking myself for not checking, in this world it's not exactly difficult to quickly check if there are roadworks.

My ego lashed out and blamed others when it was my mistake. Once I identified that my ego had taken over, I was fine. Calm took over again and my ego was pushed away!

On the way home from work there was a large accident in front of me. Firstly I was relieved I wasn't involved and secondly I knew I was going to stuck there for a while and rather than get annoyed I remembered something I had read from Dr Wayne Dyer earlier. He said when he was stuck in traffic he would meditate. Well I wasn't going to go to that extent but I took that moment to be quiet and contemplate how I narrowly missed being involved in an accident and I was grateful.

Always find a positive in a negative!

Review 1 (Lesson 51 - 60)

I have been in the review stage, I have taken ny time reflecting as I think it's important to take stock slowly. Coincidentally I have had a week off work and spent time relaxing at my parents house.

Not rushing around from one thing to another this week, has helped me gather my thoughts and reflect on exactly what has been happening to me since the start of the course.

I have certainly been living in the moment more. I have made a conscious decision to stop thinking about what is happening in an hour, or later that day or the next day, next week etc. It has made me enjoy every moment and be grateful for what I have. By noticing my surroundings and being aware of my feelings it has definitely improved my moods.

I had a lovely day out a couple of days ago, just my son and I at a local farm, rather than what I would normally do, which is to worry about the evening, the following day, the housework that isn't being done whilst I am out and worry about getting up so early on the Monday morning for another week at work. I just chilled out and savored every moment. It's really hard to live in the 'now' but when you do, it works. Life just seems good.

Not everything is perfect, obviously, but the improvement I have made so far is vast and I am so positive that things will get even better.

Back to the lessons tomorrow, reflection time over!

Lesson 50

Lesson 50 essentially is a lesson in living a simpler life, rejecting materialism and ego.

Today thankfully has been straight forward. I do absolutely nothing to impress anyone. I find the concept of being materialist odd and I would always make a choice for myself never to how it looks to a group of friends or peers.

I know many people who have bought a certain brand of car because they think it will improve their status within their friendship circle. Has it made their friends like them more? I doubt it and to be absolutely honest a friend who only accepts you on your material wealth is not a friend worth having.

What I do need to do though to lead a simpler life is to slow down, I have such a hectic schedule, I'm always dashing from one moment to another and I need to appreciate the moment I'm in and enjoy it rather than thinking about what is next.

The day after my birthday myself and a group of ten of my closest friends went out for a celebratory lunch. Sometimes these get togethers can last a couple of hours and other times into the night. Purposefully I didn't plan anything for the rest of the day and I just enjoyed the moment and it worked. I savoured every moment and I had a blooming good time. Lesson learnt, now all I need to do is keep applying it!

Lesson 49

Today's lesson is all about listening to your inner voice rather than listening to the voice of your ego. The voice of the ego will always be noisy and thinking about what is best to serve it whereas the inner voice will be more peaceful and calming. I think of it like an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.

Obviously the idea is to listen to the calming voice in every situation. Again this is all fine when you are in an environment where there is no aggression or upset.

Only the other day I was in a mobile phone shop politely and calmly asking for help as my phone had suddenly stopped working. The shop assistant was clearly rushed off his feet and stressed and treated me in an appalling way, he was rude and didn't help me at all. As a reaction to this I let my ego take over and I was upset.

Looking back now I can see his attitude wasn't anything to do with me, it was his problem and I at the time should have recognised he was struggling with his job and his words and his unhelpful manner were nothing to do with me.

At that time I should have slowed down and thought about what was happening and not wasted time being upset.

Next time I'm in an environment where I feel the ego voice screaming at me I am going to listen to the peaceful inner voice and I'm sure the outcome will be a lot better.

Lesson 48

Lesson 48 is all about understanding that there is nothing to fear. If everything happens for a reason then there's even purpose for the bad stuff.

Now this is where I start becoming frustrated. Bad stuff does exist. Really, really bad stuff happens every day. I'm not talking about normal day to day dramas but I mean the horrible, barbaric nastiness that occurs.

Yes of course for example if your husband of twenty years turns around and tells you he is leaving you, that will hurt but you will look back in so many years and realise that it was for the best. But I am talking about events which you will never recover from. Losing a child, a whole family being wiped out in a terror attack or a natural disaster that kills everyone you ever loved and destroyed your whole community. It's a cliche but it's just like when someone questions the existence of God when such heartbreaking events occur.

In a way I do agree, for the vast majority of us there is nothing to fear, but I feel slightly let down by today's lesson.

I don't like to think in such a negative fashion and I am working so hard to find positives in every situation and I certainly have made progress and am striving to make even more improvements, but today's lesson has set me back, I need to feel confident in the teachings not this feeling of annoyance.  

Lesson 47

I've had a couple of days away from the lessons, I've had two days of celebrating my 40th birthday and I felt I wouldn't put all my efforts into the lessons and only have to repeat them!

I'm back now and feel determined more than ever for the positive changes to keep coming.

Today's lesson us all about strength. When I first read the topic of the lesson I thought about the strength I have personally and that varies from day to day and even sometimes from hour to hour. Reading the lesson further it states that the strength you should believe in isn't actually your own strength but the strength of source which will be there for you. It is so difficult to put your trust into something you can not see, touch or hold. It takes a huge leap of faith to totally believe there is some energy which is looking after us and our best interests.

I'm not there yet, but I'm prepared to carry on and see where it takes me and my beliefs.

Lesson 46

Lesson 46 is about forgiveness.

Forgiveness is an act that will heal you, the feelings you hold before forgiveness will only serve to bring negativity whereas the person you have or haven't forgiven will still be oblivious to your inner thoughts, so the only one to truly suffer is you.

Wayne Dyer in many of his books explains you can only give what you have. So if you are full of love and kindness you can give plenty of that away. Equally if you are free of anger and hatred you won't have any to give and will find it straightforward to remain calm. Everyone knows someone who always stays calm in all situation and absolute nothing gets on top of them, well that person doesn't have any of those negative feelings within them so simply they can't give away something they don't have!

I am good at forgiving it's the forgetting I am terrible at!

Tomorrow is a big day for me personally, I turn 40. There are lots of celebrations planned this week, but most of all I am using the milestone to be a platform for lots of changes.

Lesson 45

Today's lesson has been some what uncomfortable. The objective of today has been exploring thoughts and thoughts are exactly what I am trying to move on from. I am trying to live in the moment and so far that has been successful.

Thinking about what got me here and fears I still have I am trying not to think about and not giving those feelings time in my mind.  So revisiting my worries has been difficult. My energy is high and my mood is positive but I still feel like the slightest thing could set me back so although I have done today's lesson I haven't thought about it for the majority of the day or dwelled and pondered on its meaning or benefit to me.

Instead I have been filling the day with gratitude. I find if you see the good in a situation and ignore the bad then it's a good situation and you can turn it around. Staying positive is blooming hard, obviously we can all smile and pretend everything is ok, but the hard part is really feeling it deep down inside your tummy and holding it there all day. At the moment I'm in the mindset that if I can keep it more than not then I'm doing ok.

Lesson 44

Lesson 44 concentrates again on light. I love the line in the instructions 'you can't see in darkness' I personally can't do anything in darkness, it's very difficult to function in darkness. The only alternative is to be in the light. There is no other way. 

One of my main objectives currently is to stay in the moment. Today I was having a lovely time in the park with my son and my dog and I suddenly had a moment. I out of the blue had a number of thoughts....would this be any better if I had a different job? If I had more disposable income? If I had better quality clothes on? If my dog was a designer breed? (He's actually a rescued street dog from Romania!) or if we were going on an exotic holiday next week? The answer obviously is no, that moment could not be improved on at all. It was perfect, my son was happy on the swings, on the slide and climbing frame, my dog was chilling in the shade and I was happy to be in the sunshine. 

That has given me inspiration. I tried so hard all day to stop any thoughts, worry or fears about the past or the future and it has worked. I have been calm and very satisfied by my sunny Saturday. 

I honestly feel I am turning a corner, it's possibly going to be a long steady corner, but even so I am moving in the right direction.

Lesson 43

Lesson 43 continues on the same theme of separation, letting go of problems and putting trust that things will work.

I took my son to his first Karate lesson today and seeing his enthusiasm and concentration made me wonder when was the last time I went into anything with that attitude. Children don't start new projects fearing the worst, they go with the flow and enjoy the moment. My sons face when he was shown even the most basic karate moves was priceless. The first thing he said to me after the lesson was 'I can't wait to go back next week'. When in life did I start to worry that things will go wrong before they do? When in life did I stop enjoying just the moment? Is it something you lose as an adult or is it when your ego takes over?

I am working hard at not listening to my ego. When analysing our lives it is so easy to see that listening to your ego is the root of all upset and desperation and vow not to do it, but in reality when something happens to upset you or puts you off balance the ego screams at you and it is so strong it fights to take over.

The key is to remain balanced at all times, it's easy to do when everything is going well, the challenge is when something you perceive as not going so well pops up to keep the ego, which will be screaming at you to take over, away from your mind.

All this on paper is straight forward and so obvious but in reality it is very difficult but a challenge I am willing to work at.

Lesson 42

Today's lesson revolves around strength. Obviously Strength of mind rather than physical strength. The lesson also introduces the idea of vision.

Strength and vision are two concepts that I am pleased I am working towards. I often think I am strong and then as something upsets my balance I go on a downward spiral. Vision is also a concept I like to think I am good at but as soon as my vision isn't realised I soon become frustrated.

I need to address my impatience, it is something I absolutely know is my down fall. I have never been very good at waiting for anything, I often think if it doesn't happen right away there's time for it to go wrong or for people involved to change their minds. I need to slow down in general, I like so many other people today, rush from one thing to another rarely take time to enjoy the moment or reflect on what's happened.

I am trying to do less without feeling I'm not enjoying life. I'm no longer seeing unplanned weekends as a failure on my behalf. I like to be busy but has that made me impatient or am I covering up that if I actually stand still and reflect for long enough I may not like it.

I'm certainly slowing down the pace, I'm meditating more, I'm sleeping more and I'm trying very hard to let go and trust what will be, will be.  

Lesson 41

Today's lesson explores the idea of separation. It's something I have heard discussed so many times before, Abraham Hicks speaks of it frequently as did Dr Wayne Dyer. Separation is the feeling of being away from your source. If you believe that energy is with you at all times then you can't feel bad you can only feel good.

I think my bad moods which having been coming in waves recently are because my belief, despite the daily lessons, is wavering. I am an impatient person, it's one of my many flaws, and as I'm not seeing dramatic result constantly I am becoming frustrated and I'm even thinking am I wasting my time and is this all totally pointless.

Today's lesson brought me back to focus though. I really embraced the mantra of the day and read the lesson over and over again. There are comforting words of encouragement and even recognition that I may not believe everything that is being told. I just have to trust my journey.

I have been reading a lot recently about 'ego' and the articles just seem to appear in front of me rather than me seeking them out. I just stumbled across an article today about guardian angles and even that spoke of ego! I think this is my source telling me to let go of my ego, that's what is causing me all my anguish and fear. Letting go is difficult, I sometimes think putting your ego first is addictive and by admitting that daily issues aren't really an issue but just a dent in your ego is not an easy concept to accept. But again I just have to trust the journey.



 

Lesson 40

Today's lesson involves saying a positive affirmation every 10 minutes throughout the whole day. Although every 10 minutes is a little extreme and the lesson even admits that I have been trying to do it as often as possible.

The idea of today's lesson is to improve your mood, to move you up the emotional scale.

My mood is being stubborn today, I don't know why, I don't even think there is a real reason why. I just feel stuck, that's the only way I can really describe it. I'm turning 40 next week and I'm reflecting on that a lot. Obviously age is just a number and I am lucky that I have achieved so much so far in my life, but turning the big 4-0 is bothering me. I'm obviously looking forward to all the celebrations and I am having many but once they have passed what then?

Is this normal for a women? I'm certainly not vain so being physically older is not a worry for me, is it a mental decline I am concerned about or is it that I feel I haven't achieved enough so far. To be honest can't put my finger on it. All I do know is this feeling has to go otherwise my journey could be in tatters.

Lesson 39

Today's lesson asks what is the opposite of guilt.

To begin with I had no real answer, non guilt isn't a real thing, and in the modern world innocence is the opposite. But as an emotion is this really the opposite to guilt. Guilty feelings cling onto our minds and slowly eat away, changing our moods and making us view our daily lives in a totally different way. By shaking off these guilty feelings our minds have freedom, we no longer blame ourselves for actions which in the vast majority of times are way out of our control.

I often look back at events which still cause me anguish and nearly always I am still carrying guilt as a result. Surley if you breakdown these situations it is obvious there is no guilt to be had.

When my son was born he was born with a serious illness which, put harshly, nearly killed him. I carried around guilt for years, I believed as his mother I should have known. Because I spent years feeling guilty I then thought I was not an amazing mother because I was consumed with guilt, it was just spiralling out of control. No one was to blame, certainly not me, medical professionals missed his illness so did midwives, so how on earth could a first time mum who had a traumatic labour have had spotted it. At the time you could have told me this a thousand times but guilt was such a strong emotion it took over and I blamed myself over and over again.

My interpretation is that freedom of the mind is the opposite of guilt.

Lesson 38

Today's lesson continues with the theme that my mind is holy and I can achieve anything. It obviously takes a huge leap of faith to believe that you can truly fulfil all of your ambitions.

Isn't that just what worry is? A concern that things or a certain situation won't work out. If you honestly had faith that everything around you was working for your own good then you would never worry again. I find my mind is constantly full of worry, possibly less now, but I am always worried that if I'm not worrying about something, some sort of crisis will appear so that I do have something to worry about. My mind constantly tells me it needs to be busy, but so far this strategy has been far from successful, so calming my mind is definitely a priority.

Another priority which is definitely starting to happen is lifting my mood or as Esther Hicks puts it being higher on the emotional scale. I am waking with more positivity and focus for the day ahead and I am preventing myself from sliding down the scale if something which appears to be negative occurs.

I am seeing benefits and slowly seeing an improvement and right now thats all I can ask for.

Lesson 37

I read an article the other day about how our minds must stop worrying. The article suggested a different form of meditation to prevent this. I do meditate, not as often as I would like but I do on a regular basis. This way of meditation is specifically to clear the mind by twice a day sitting for twenty minutes and reciting over and over again any known passage, a poem you know off by heart or a prayer or anything you feel comfortable with. I have to be honest I have only done it twice and already I am seeing results. My mind is so much quieter! I have made a decision that I am to do this twice a day on top of my lessons.

Lesson 37 continues the idea of holiness, I am to look at objects and in a way bless them with my holiness. Now clearly I like most people found this concept slightly strange. The one thing that I am learning during the course of these lessons is that there is no need to understand or even agree with them what is important is the actual doing them which will get the results.

For no real reason or change I feel like today is a turning point for the good, the ACIM book is published by the foundation of inner peace and I really do feel inner peace developing.

Lesson 36

Life is precious.

I woke up this morning to the dreadful and shocking news of the attack in Nice. Two of my closest friends are on holiday just outside Nice and naturally on Bastille Day they could have taken the short drive to watch the fireworks like so many others did. I frantically checked to see if I had a message from either of them, I hadn't so then I checked their Twitter accounts and the last Tweet was sent at about the time of the attack. There was no mention of them attending the fireworks so I calmed down slightly, it took me about 2 hours to clarify they hadn't been anywhere near the attack and they were absolutely fine.

I was so relieved to hear from them and times like these serves as a reminder that anyone of us could leave behind this world at any time or anyone of our loved ones could go in the blink of an eye. I don't want it to sound morbid or depressing but it's a reminder that if you care for someone, tell them.  Don't let stubbornness or petty arguments get in the way of what really matters.

Lesson 36 is about seeing your mind as holiness and without sin. This clearly is a difficult concept because surely everyone has a little bit of sin...but the lesson is adamant you are either sinless or not. Can it be possible for someone to be totally sinless, I'm not even sure if I want to be! But I have chosen to follow these lessons to the letter so I am going with it.

Tomorrows lesson promises to show me the first hint of my true function in the world. This sounds like a big turning point in my journey and after today's roller coaster of emotions, I'm ready!

Lesson 35

Today's Lesson is to explore my mind and examine how I see myself. I can think about positive and negative aspects.

I spent quite sometime thinking about how I perceive myself. This is the list I came up with.

- I see myself as ambitious
- I see myself as impatient
- I see myself as spiritual
- I see myself as erratic
- I see myself as cautious
- I see myself as emotional
- I see myself as a caring
- I see myself as generous
- I see myself as loyal
- I see myself (at times) as a mess
- I see myself as a hard worker

I was pleased I wasn't too hard on myself and I am glad I managed to come up with some positives too. If I done this exercise about a month ago I am sure the list would have been very different.

Across London today I have spotted 'dream jars' they are in association with the film BFG. Various well known people have been asked to design a jar, the jars are made out of clear glass, about 4 foot tall and inside there are various objects. They are now in place across famous London landmarks. It made me think what I would put in my dream jar, I thought about it long and hard and in the end I just thought I would put a heart inside. That's my dream, to feel just love.

Lesson 34

Somehow these lessons are matching my mood and are making me do exactly what my mind needs. I have not been feeling as positive today, I don't really understand why. At times I do think that I am expecting too much from these lessons too soon, I am only 34 days in and it's a year long course, so clearly if the changes happened so quickly the course would be so much shorter.

Lesson 34 is to explore my mind and any thought that isn't peaceful I have to say to myself  'I could see peace in this situation instead of what I now see in it'

I have explored all areas of my life which have been troubling me, I let the thoughts flow, and surprisingly some of the issues I presumed would race into my mind didn't , I have resolved more than I first thought.

I am cutting today short, I am convinced lack of sleep contributes to my negativity energy so I am looking after myself for once and having a good nights rest to recharge my positive energy.

Lesson 33

Lesson 33 is all about accepting there is another way of looking at the world. It's a concept that I am familiar with but in all honesty it is very difficult to do. It's especially hard when it's about someone or something that you really, really care about.

It's along the similar theme of when you lose someone you care about in a relationship. At the time well meaning people tell you 'it obviously wasn't meant to be' or 'you will find someone so much better' but at that moment in time it's the last thing you want to hear and you don't believe it. In time though the well meaning friends are always right. I look back on my relationships and I almost laugh sometimes to think that long term they would have lasted or been what I truly wanted or needed. I often think when a relationship breaks down it's your ego that gets hurt rather than the reality of the relationship not working.

I have a very dear friend who lost his job many years ago and he took it really bad, he was one of those few people in life that loved his work, he never had that Monday morning feeling and thought he would be in the job forever. At the time I tried to offer words of comfort and tell him it will be OK, you will find a new job, but he just couldn't see it as he was so upset. There where times I was genuinely concerned about him. Today he runs his own company and financially is so much better off and he is his own boss and just loves his life.

My point is why at the time of crisis is it so difficult to keep a calm mind and trust things will improve.

I wish I could travel back in time to some points of crisis of my life, give myself a hug and tell myself, 'your worry and upset is a total waste of time, be happy, laugh and look forward to the rest of your life'

Lesson 32

I went back to work today, I've had a week full of fun, rest and plenty of sleep and I certainly haven't had to get up before 3am! Obviously when my alarm went off this morning, it was a bit of a shock.

I decided to say affirmations to myself over and over again to make the transition from holiday mode to work mode easier. I said over and over again 'I am not tired' and 'I am happy to have a job, I am grateful for the money it provides'  Although I did slip up once when someone asked me how I was, I replied in an auto pilot way 'I'm tired' As soon as I said it though I felt bad, it was almost as if a wave of negatively flooded over me. It sounds so bizarre but I actually felt awash with a dirty and negative vibe that threatened to take me off track. It genuinely was that powerful.

Lesson 32 is to tell myself that 'I have invented the world I see'. It's an introduction in exploring cause and effect and also identifying the inner world (your mind) and the outer world are the same. If I let something bother me then it will bother me in my mind and also in the real world. Although it is hard to do, I have tried to stop having feelings of resentment towards certain people, but it's so difficult when the hurt has run so deep. The only way to improve the situation is to change your thinking of it. One person in particular I thought before was being brutal to me, I now think differently about the situation, I actually feel sorry for her, I now understand her anger and dislike of me is her issue and not mine. Her feelings are hers and not mine. I also don't want to be or feel like a victim, I want to feel empowered and the only way you can do this is by taking control of your emotions.

Today all in all has been good, I have gushed to anyone who would listen about how wonderful Dublin is and I have been boring people on how I am itching to return to Ireland as soon as possible.

I am making small steps but my energy is higher than its been in a long while and even though my holiday is over I am radiating positive energy.

Lesson 31

As often as I can I listen to Hay House Radio. It's essentially where Hay House (a publishing company set up by Louise Hay) authors have an hours slot and they talk and they take phone calls from the public. Sometimes there are presenters I have heard of and others I haven't. But each and every one of the presenters are inspirational.

One of the subjects today was about flow, about how your thoughts and mind flow in particular. It was interesting and totally understandable how when our minds are clear, you are just living in the moment and appreciating what you have around you, your flow works better. This is something I have been working on, I've been trying to clear my mind each day. The daily lesson gives me something to focus on and to take my mind off all the other daily worries.

Another discussion today on the radio was talking about not letting your past define you or hold you back. It really was just another way of discussing letting go of anything in the past which has been traumatic or upsetting. There are many examples of where the past holds people back. The most obvious is when you get your heart broken and then not taking the leap of faith into a new relationship which probably will be so much better than the original.

Today's lesson is similar to what I have been listening to today. I have had to say to myself  'I am not the victim of the world I see'. Behind this mantra is release, releasing any past hurt that influences the moment of now.

I'm letting go, albeit slowly, I can feel my mind clearing and the flow becoming easier. In fact daily life is becoming easier, very little bothers me and when I feel anything starting to irritate me, I just breath and tell myself over and over again it will get better and whatever it is will resolve itself.

Lesson 30

Today's lesson is all about the way I visualise the world around me. It is not attempting to be oblivious to anything that I don't like or is upsetting me but to see the world through my mind.

I have been on this journey for over a month and it's certainly opened my eyes on perception. Today I was at my seven year old sons end of season football presentation. Each child was presented with a trophy for various achievements. To each and every seven year old in the room the trophy was so important. Does a seven year old think a trophy is symbolic for all their achievements through out the year? I don't think so. Does a seven year old appreciate the beauty of the trophy? I very much doubt it. Seeing it through their eyes it's winning something and it's being proud of owning a trophy.

Why can't we keep the basic wonder of a child, when does our view of the world change? When do we become fearful and negative about our lives and situations around us?

I am certainly becoming less fearful but it's a shame we don't keep that innocent, positivity and basic views we all held as youngster.

And my view of the trophy, it's ugly but my son adores it and therefore so do I!

Lesson 29

Attitude is everything. When you have a positive mind, when you see the good in everything and believe there's always a way then everything will always work out. It's impossible for it not too because you see the good in the situation.

Negativity is believing that a situation won't work, and if that's what you believe it won't. You are just setting others, the situation and yourself up to fail in your eyes.

Why therefore does it often feel easier to negative. In the long run it clearly isn't...it's obviously disastrous and makes life so much more difficult.

I have been away in Dublin for a few days and I went with the mindset of staying positive and if any situation arises that could be stressful or troubling to keep telling myself it will be resolved. Everything went so well and of course not every moment was perfect but at those times I just let go and the situation resolved it's self. But I have to be honest staying in this mindset still takes effort and doesn't come completely at ease and it's tempting to slip back into old ways.

Lesson 29 is to look at everything around me with love, appreciation and open-mindedness. This is the attitude I have been adopting once the last few days so today's lesson has been relatively straightforward.

Lesson 28

Today's lesson takes me back a couple of weeks when I really didn't understand the reason behind the lesson or why on earth I was doing it.

Today I have had to look around my environment and look at objects and say to myself  'above all else I want to see this differently'

The lesson explains rather than the statement I am making about an object it is the commitment I am saying out loud which is the important part. So I am fulfilling the requirements and getting on with it. What I am finding is that for the lessons I don't understand I am understanding others. When I am understanding them I am putting a lot more of myself into it which I am presuming isn't the correct way.

Commitment is such a large part if this journey, I'm already seeing the benefits so it would be foolish for me not to give it all I have. A mantra I often think about is by Jillian Michaels 'why choose to fail when success is an option'  When there's a choice I choose the positive.

Lesson 27

Every half an hour I have had to say to myself  'above all else I want to see'  There is a challenge within the lesson asking how many times will I remember. Well today has been such a perfect day in Dublin I have forgotten more times than I would like to admit!

I know this course is working and I do want it to change the way my mind works but what I am enjoying the most is the ease of everyday situations. As soon as I feel something is bothering me I let it go. As soon as I feel my stress levels rise I let it go. I am by far invincible and I'm sure there will be many challenges ahead but I have navigated my way through so much already I am feeling empowered.

I usually find large crowds intimidating. I feel uncomfortable when crowds are moving around me. As a result I purposefully went to the Guinness Storehouse as it opened to avoid the masses but in the afternoon we went to the Kilmainham Gaol and we were taken around in a large group. At times the group I was in gathered in small corridors or rooms and I just told myself the feelings I was experiencing weren't real. Although I didn't feel totally comfortable I certainly felt a lot better than I usually would.

Above all else I want to see and I say that with great sincerity.

Lesson 26

Lesson 26 is a return to thinking about attacking thoughts. This time though I am to think about attacking thoughts towards me from others and how it affects me. The purpose of this exercise is to realise attacking thoughts are only able to attack me if I accept them as that. I am only vulnerable if I allow myself to be.

I am still writing in Ireland and I have been spending lots of time speaking to the people who live here and I have witnessed the loveliest of attitudes. There's almost a 'so what, it will work out' way of thinking to a lot of issues and they laugh so much. That ultimately is what I am aiming for.

Today on a tour around Dublin, a tour guide told this story of a 10 foot wall that once was erected around an area of the city to keep the sick people contained. Obviously the sick people didn't like being separated and tried to climb the wall. As a result of so many escapees, men with barge poles were employed to hit the sick people if they planned a bid for freedom. This is where the expression 'I wouldn't touch him with barge pole' comes from.

The image of those sick people climbing a wall stayed with me and if you like me suffer with bad thoughts that just suddenly pop up or thoughts trying to ruin your happy mood then you will understand how that image is exactly what I think is going on in my mind.

Lesson 25

Lesson 25 is all about realising that the decisions we make, we make because of our ego.

I have been very guilty of this in the past and even in recent times. There are so many occasions when I have made a choice simply because I want to be to right or speaking out against something when it isn't even a subject that concerns me.

The letting go element of this course is really hitting home now. Each time I have a challenge big or small I now just let it be.

Today I flew with Ryan Air, it was only a short flight to Dublin but my goodness what a potentially stressful situation that could have been for me. The queues to get through security, the security point when you are all bunched up together trying to get your coat, your shoes and your bags into plastic containers and then the
worry that your baggage isn't going to fit in the overhead lockers.

I had the attitude of I am so happy I am flying to Dublin, I am going to be pleasant to all the staff I meet at the airport and what ever happens I will be in Dublin later today.  I kept telling myself nothing else matters.  It worked.

I am in Dublin writing, I've walked along the Liffey and it's true the Guinness does taste better here!

Lesson 24

I took my son to church this morning. It's something I do once a month as our local church holds a service which is designed just for children. To be honest it's more of a social occasion for the children and for us villagers to chat over a cup of tea. The theme of today's session was the Lords Prayer. The lady leading the group of children examined and broke down the prayer in a child friendly way and looked at exactly what it meant.

Listening to her explain the meaning behind the prayer made me think about the journey I am taking. She explained prayer was either being thankful, asking for help or rejoicing. There is nothing in the prayer which represents anger, being hurtful or seeking revenge which is often what our minds and even our actions do. Prayer is also a time of being at peace, which is exactly what I am looking for in my own mind.

Lesson 24 introduces a concept that I do not perceive my own best interests. When I think about situations that are troubling me, I obviously haven't been dealing them in the right way otherwise they wouldn't be an issue.

Although last Friday I had a situation that could have escalated and probably would have caused a lot of fall out and tension for some time. I have chosen to acknowledge the situation but now I have let it go. By doing this someone has got away with doing something hurtful and disrespectful to me but I am no longer worring about it and I am no longer flooded with feelings of seeking justice. The problem has gone. Could it come back again? Possibly. Does that person now see me as a walk over? Probably. But their view of me is not my concern. I just want what is best for my mind and now I don't have days and days on end of worry and upset. So I ultimately have what I am looking for which is of cause peace.

Lesson 23

I am no expert in retraining your mind and I am no high flying scholar in the world of spirituality. I am just a regular person who went through a terrible time and couldn't deal with it in my mind. It was a moment of crisis and I couldn't find a way out. I am taking this journey as it is something that I feel found me and it was the universes way of showing me a different option, an alternative way of thinking.

I found a quote by Alan Cohen today which said 'You know you have meditated well if, when you open your eyes, the world looks different'. This morning as I was taking my dog out for his morning walk everything did look different. The sky was a lovely shade of blue, the trees were beautiful and the fields looked lush. My mind was clear, I felt good and I was thinking about Lesson 23. Today's lesson continues the theme of giving up 'attacking thoughts'. I have to be honest the attacking thoughts I began to think yesterday have gone and I am beginning to understand the concept of leaving them behind.

Sometimes when you would like something small coincidences happen to make it happen with out you even trying. For example there's a women who lives in the village I live in and she is adorable. I have always thought what a good friend she could be. I have so many friends but they all live so far away, I have none in the village. Today there was a village fete and my son won a prize in the raffle. The raffle was drawn after we had left, so we had no idea the prize was ours until there was a knock at our front door. It was the women I have just mentioned hand delivering the box of chocolates my son had won. I invited her in for a cup of tea, how incredibly English, and we chatted for ages and have now swapped phone numbers, whilst my son devoured the chocolates.  I have a feeling she is going to be a good friend.

Strange how it always works out.

Lesson 22

It's strange how today's lesson corresponds with my mood. I strongly believe if I hadn't had this exact lesson this morning my experience of today would not have been positive and could have even thrown me backwards.

As soon as I opened up the book and read the top line of Lesson 22 I knew it's exactly what I needed. Today's lesson is all about people who have thoughts of attack. I'm sure that doesn't mean physical attack but rather thoughts of verbal and images of attack.

I have 2 issues ongoing, one personal and one work related and both really escalated this morning and I was having some extreme thoughts about both. The lesson teaches that those thoughts are really just self defence and a way of trying to escape. That's exactly how I felt earlier today, the idea of running away and avoiding these outstanding issues felt very tempting. The work issue had to be solved by 1pm and I did something I have never done before, I worked calmly on resolving the problem and just kept looking at the time and believing that the solution to the problem would be found in how many hours it was until 1pm. I didn't doubt it, I believed it would be. By Midday everything was sorted and all the stress and energy I would have usually wasted wasn't.

I saw a Tweet today which said 'Chaos always precedes a major change' I have been thinking about this for a number of hours today and in a peculiar way I am therefore grateful the chaos happened and although the chaos hasn't completely died down and the major change has exactly happened I can feel both are heading in the right direction.

Lesson 21

Lesson 21 marks three weeks into the course. I am totally aware this is a year long journey and any improvement so far is just the start.

Am I feeling better? Am I dealing with daily life better? Am I feeling more at peace? The answer surprisingly is yes. It's only when I look back and reflect on how much of a downward spiral I was on do I realise how bad things actually were.

I don't understand why at the time I couldn't handle all the pressures surrounding me, some admittedly were huge and some were small. I took most of it personally and some of it I blew out of proportion. No matter how bad the situation, which believe me it was bad,  I am convinced if I had approached the situation differently I would have dealt with and coped with it all better.

Lesson 21 concentrates on seeing anything that is currently troubling me or making me angry differently. This is something I have already started doing over the last few days and I am feeling more comfortable with. One thing Abraham Hicks has tought me is no matter what the subject is never concentrate on the bad, always think about one good thing or positive thing about the active subject. By concentrating on the good, you will get more of that but concentrating on the bad, that's exactly what you will get.

Three weeks in and I have come so far already, I just know this journey is going to be exciting, enlightening and build my character.

Lesson 20

Lesson 20 has really taken over my day! I had to say to myself over and over again 'I am determined to see' every half an hour.

Every half an hour seemed a little extreme but there was some reassurance, if I forgot to say the mantra at any point not to be too concerned, this was a welcome relief as I have a terrible memory! I am one of those people who often can be found walking around the office, talking to myself, trying to remember exactly why I left my desk only a matter of moments ago and yes I am also one of those people who nip to the shop to grab some milk, get to the shop, buy a whole bag of groceries, get home and unpack the shopping to realise I have forgotten the milk.

When saying the mantra to myself I found myself washed in the same feelings as I do when I am truly in the Vortex. Being in the Vortex is an expression used by Abraham Hicks, it's when you are feeling euphoric despite what is happening around you.

A shift is definitely happening and is happening naturally without inviting it. I am not normally the person people go to with problems, possibly because I have so many of my own or I give the impression I am not interested. Either way people very rarely share their inner most thoughts with me. All of a sudden during these past few days I have become the equivalent to an agony aunt. I have actually enjoyed speaking to these people calmly and respectfully and giving what I hope is sound advice.

Earlier today I saw a Tweet from Dr Wayne Dyers account which expressed the way to achieve a peaceful world is for all the people living in the world to have inner peace. A sentiment I can't disagree with. What I found so discouraging though was the amount of comments and replys to that Tweet which were along the lines of 'well that will never happen'. I would argue it is everybody's responsibility during their time here to contribute even in the smallest way, otherwise why do anything for the greater good of others. Why give to charity? In the grand scheme of things your few pounds aren't going to solve world poverty. Why recycle your waste? You saving a few plastic bottles from the landfill is not going to stop the mounting waste we produce. Bit if we worked as a whole rather than individual we could achieve so much. On that basis if I, as an individual, strive for inner peace then I am convinced that can only be a good thing.

As I get ready to go to sleep I keep thinking that todays lesson has been clever and good for me, it's given me an injection of determination and renewed my energy for this journey.

Lesson 19

My alarm clock goes off at 2.45am every week day morning. Now matter how many years you do it or how early you go to bed your body never ever gets used to it. When I tell people what I do for a living they always ask me about the early starts and always ask what time I go to bed.

There has never been a morning when I have jumped out of bed with joy and there hasn't been a morning when I haven't been tempted to switch the alarm clock off and go back to sleep despite the consequences!

Anyone who works long hours or does shift work will know you suffer from two ailments in particular. Firstly grumpiness through lack of sleep and secondly the obsession with having enough sleep. I also nap anywhere I can, on the tube, in the car (obviously not when I'm driving!) on the bus, just about anywhere I can.

When I do go to sleep, I often wake up in the night and count how many hours of sleep I have before having to get up and if I'm in bed any later than 8pm I start to panic.

Sleep is so important, it's true things seem better after a good nights sleep. I haven't had one for a while but I am learning to sleep with less on my mind, I'm not having as many anxiety dreams and I'm waking up less, I have in the past woke up nearly every hour with worry.

Lesson 19 is continuing the theme of not being alone in experiencing thoughts. The lesson tells me how minds are joined. It even warns that some people may regard this concept as a 'invasion as privacy', which I don't really get. I am struggling to understand today's lesson, does it mean that my thoughts on a subject can influence an other or is it that we often have the same view as in the same perception of events. I am not worried that I am not understanding fully what I am doing, which underlines the fact I am becoming more laid back.

Tomorrow's lesson claims the previous lessons have been casual and more structure is to be added, therefore I'm sure there will be more confusion in the morning!

Lesson 18

I watched the film 'Splash' over the weekend, yes the one about the mermaid. It's a running joke with my friends that it's my favourite film of all time. It certainly was when I was about 12, I watched it as often as I could, even now I know all the lines and I know the expressions Daryl Hannah pulls when Tom Hanks says some thing harsh.

After the film I reflected on two things, firstly the message of the film (although somewhat flimsy) is if you believe in something without question it will happen and I also reflected on the time I was 12 and how I watched the film over and over again. What did I want, true love, to be a mermaid, a happy ever after or a funny brother in law? I don't think it was any of that, I just liked the care free attitude of Madison the mermaid and I liked her outlook of 'why shouldn't it work I'm different but so what'.

I'm different, but I'm proud of that, for example I'm making an effort to stop biting my nails. To help I bought some nail varnish, my theory is if they look pretty I am more unlikely to bite! I have spent ages today trying to apply this baby pink nail varnish and it looks a mess! I must be the only (nearly) 40 year old women who can't do her own nails!

Lesson 18 is about reassuring myself I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my seeing. Again I am to look around my environment and tell myself that I am not alone in these thoughts. It's the start of the belief that minds are joined.

All I know is when I looked around the room and saw the baby pink nail vanish bottle I thought 'maybe that isn't for me' and it is comforting to know someone else out there also feels the same. Maybe I'm not that different after all.