Lesson 21

Lesson 21 marks three weeks into the course. I am totally aware this is a year long journey and any improvement so far is just the start.

Am I feeling better? Am I dealing with daily life better? Am I feeling more at peace? The answer surprisingly is yes. It's only when I look back and reflect on how much of a downward spiral I was on do I realise how bad things actually were.

I don't understand why at the time I couldn't handle all the pressures surrounding me, some admittedly were huge and some were small. I took most of it personally and some of it I blew out of proportion. No matter how bad the situation, which believe me it was bad,  I am convinced if I had approached the situation differently I would have dealt with and coped with it all better.

Lesson 21 concentrates on seeing anything that is currently troubling me or making me angry differently. This is something I have already started doing over the last few days and I am feeling more comfortable with. One thing Abraham Hicks has tought me is no matter what the subject is never concentrate on the bad, always think about one good thing or positive thing about the active subject. By concentrating on the good, you will get more of that but concentrating on the bad, that's exactly what you will get.

Three weeks in and I have come so far already, I just know this journey is going to be exciting, enlightening and build my character.

Lesson 20

Lesson 20 has really taken over my day! I had to say to myself over and over again 'I am determined to see' every half an hour.

Every half an hour seemed a little extreme but there was some reassurance, if I forgot to say the mantra at any point not to be too concerned, this was a welcome relief as I have a terrible memory! I am one of those people who often can be found walking around the office, talking to myself, trying to remember exactly why I left my desk only a matter of moments ago and yes I am also one of those people who nip to the shop to grab some milk, get to the shop, buy a whole bag of groceries, get home and unpack the shopping to realise I have forgotten the milk.

When saying the mantra to myself I found myself washed in the same feelings as I do when I am truly in the Vortex. Being in the Vortex is an expression used by Abraham Hicks, it's when you are feeling euphoric despite what is happening around you.

A shift is definitely happening and is happening naturally without inviting it. I am not normally the person people go to with problems, possibly because I have so many of my own or I give the impression I am not interested. Either way people very rarely share their inner most thoughts with me. All of a sudden during these past few days I have become the equivalent to an agony aunt. I have actually enjoyed speaking to these people calmly and respectfully and giving what I hope is sound advice.

Earlier today I saw a Tweet from Dr Wayne Dyers account which expressed the way to achieve a peaceful world is for all the people living in the world to have inner peace. A sentiment I can't disagree with. What I found so discouraging though was the amount of comments and replys to that Tweet which were along the lines of 'well that will never happen'. I would argue it is everybody's responsibility during their time here to contribute even in the smallest way, otherwise why do anything for the greater good of others. Why give to charity? In the grand scheme of things your few pounds aren't going to solve world poverty. Why recycle your waste? You saving a few plastic bottles from the landfill is not going to stop the mounting waste we produce. Bit if we worked as a whole rather than individual we could achieve so much. On that basis if I, as an individual, strive for inner peace then I am convinced that can only be a good thing.

As I get ready to go to sleep I keep thinking that todays lesson has been clever and good for me, it's given me an injection of determination and renewed my energy for this journey.

Lesson 19

My alarm clock goes off at 2.45am every week day morning. Now matter how many years you do it or how early you go to bed your body never ever gets used to it. When I tell people what I do for a living they always ask me about the early starts and always ask what time I go to bed.

There has never been a morning when I have jumped out of bed with joy and there hasn't been a morning when I haven't been tempted to switch the alarm clock off and go back to sleep despite the consequences!

Anyone who works long hours or does shift work will know you suffer from two ailments in particular. Firstly grumpiness through lack of sleep and secondly the obsession with having enough sleep. I also nap anywhere I can, on the tube, in the car (obviously not when I'm driving!) on the bus, just about anywhere I can.

When I do go to sleep, I often wake up in the night and count how many hours of sleep I have before having to get up and if I'm in bed any later than 8pm I start to panic.

Sleep is so important, it's true things seem better after a good nights sleep. I haven't had one for a while but I am learning to sleep with less on my mind, I'm not having as many anxiety dreams and I'm waking up less, I have in the past woke up nearly every hour with worry.

Lesson 19 is continuing the theme of not being alone in experiencing thoughts. The lesson tells me how minds are joined. It even warns that some people may regard this concept as a 'invasion as privacy', which I don't really get. I am struggling to understand today's lesson, does it mean that my thoughts on a subject can influence an other or is it that we often have the same view as in the same perception of events. I am not worried that I am not understanding fully what I am doing, which underlines the fact I am becoming more laid back.

Tomorrow's lesson claims the previous lessons have been casual and more structure is to be added, therefore I'm sure there will be more confusion in the morning!

Lesson 18

I watched the film 'Splash' over the weekend, yes the one about the mermaid. It's a running joke with my friends that it's my favourite film of all time. It certainly was when I was about 12, I watched it as often as I could, even now I know all the lines and I know the expressions Daryl Hannah pulls when Tom Hanks says some thing harsh.

After the film I reflected on two things, firstly the message of the film (although somewhat flimsy) is if you believe in something without question it will happen and I also reflected on the time I was 12 and how I watched the film over and over again. What did I want, true love, to be a mermaid, a happy ever after or a funny brother in law? I don't think it was any of that, I just liked the care free attitude of Madison the mermaid and I liked her outlook of 'why shouldn't it work I'm different but so what'.

I'm different, but I'm proud of that, for example I'm making an effort to stop biting my nails. To help I bought some nail varnish, my theory is if they look pretty I am more unlikely to bite! I have spent ages today trying to apply this baby pink nail varnish and it looks a mess! I must be the only (nearly) 40 year old women who can't do her own nails!

Lesson 18 is about reassuring myself I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my seeing. Again I am to look around my environment and tell myself that I am not alone in these thoughts. It's the start of the belief that minds are joined.

All I know is when I looked around the room and saw the baby pink nail vanish bottle I thought 'maybe that isn't for me' and it is comforting to know someone else out there also feels the same. Maybe I'm not that different after all.

Lesson 17

I was catching up with Orange is the new Black, if you haven't seen it it's an American comedy drama set in a women's prison. Whilst it is very funny at times it is also serious, gritty and very dark. One of the characters, Piper, was set upon by a gang who wanted revenge so they took her to the prison kitchen. They then branded her (with an iron rod heated up on the kitchen gas hob). I can't even begin to tell you how I felt when I realised they were branding her with the worst symbol of our time. I can't speak the name of the sign as that in my mind validates it but think Germany, Second World War. Yes it's fiction but I felt physically sick. Following the episode I thought about it and how she was going to live like that. I then watched the next episode and Pipers friends made the sign into a window, think a child's drawing of a window. She had to be burnt again, but she was willing to go through that pain once again so she didn't have to live with the alternative.

That's how minds think differently, I was trying to think of a way she was going to live with it but her prison friends thought of a way to change the situation so she didn't have to live with it at all.

Retraining my mind is so important, I am beginning to see how. Lesson 17 keeps with the theme of I don't see neutral things. I have been looking at everything around my and reaffirming that my thoughts about everything aren't neutral.

I kept a level head this evening whilst going through the the Sunday night chores, making sure my sons school uniform, PE kit, football training bag and swimming bag are sorted (why do children need so many bags!) cleaning the house and sorting myself out for work, all went well. My son even helped with the vacuuming! I just kept telling myself no one enjoys this but it has to be done and I am a happy mother and doing it all really is something I should be grateful for. Which I obviously am.

I saw this today and it made me smile...

"You have mastered the selfie. Now, master thy self."

Lesson 16

Lesson 16 is about having no neutral thoughts. I am to close my eyes and any thought that comes into my mind, good or bad I am to tell myself it is not a neutral thought.

I am an unsure on what this is trying to achieve as I never dismiss any thought as neutral, it says within the lesson that this is the first step to acknowledging that all thoughts bring either love or fear. Perhaps I over think but that isn't dismissing thoughts as neutral.

After not being indulged in this journey yesterday I certainly felt the fall out today. I had to go to the supermarket today, on a Saturday and with my son, who is seven years old. I knew this wasn't ideal as I have never been good with crowed shops or my son nagging me for every sweet treat we pass. The moment I found myself explaining to my son I was refusing to pay an extra £2 for a box of breakfast cereal just because it had a picture of some marvel character on it (yes such a thing exists, it could have been Thor but I'm not that up on such things!)  I knew missing yesterday's lesson was a mistake.

Yesterday was terrible, but I have tried today to stay away from various news websites and not being a work and being surrounded by news has helped. I obviously can't pretend it hasn't happened but there are ways around it if I keep my thoughts in check. The area I live in voted overall to remain in the EU and the area I work also voted to remain. That's a positive. I just have to be confident in the knowledge I will always have my principles and even though many people disagree with me they are mine and I own them with pride.

Update: My son reliably informs me it was Captain America on the front of the cereal box and not Thor. He's very disappointed I don't know the difference!

No lesson today

What a day, historic and extremely sad.

I am going to be honest I tried to do lesson 16 today but I just couldn't focus or give the correct attention to it. I think it would be a waste so I am to revisit lesson 16 tomorrow.

I am liberal, my absolute biggest belief is to treat others as equals and to see them on the basis of their personality, I detest anyone being judged, let alone on their country of birth, their skin colour, their religious beliefs or the way they dress.

Today the beautiful country I have always adored living in, decided to vote to leave the European Union. While I absolutely don't believe that the EU is perfect or indeed what this country needs, I equally see the benefits of being in and in my mind there are more than being out and I absolutely believe in open borders.

I work with and I live with lots of people who were not born in this country and all I see is hard working, caring and kind people. I am not stupid enough to see that there are some people who come to this country to commit crime but I believe they are a tiny percentage of people who decided to make their home here.

I know many people didn't use their vote as an EU 'out' vote instead they wanted to use their vote to show the government they are angry and rightly so in many cases at the austerity measures. The way some people have been treated during this time has been appalling and there is no excuse but this vote was for the future of our country within the EU.

I have no doubt the vast majority of voters wanting to leave the EU were against and excuse me for the appalling term 'mass immigration'. I understand some wanted to regain political power but speaking to people voting to leave and listening to their views on many radio stations has reinforced my belief.

There is no 'mass immigration' it's a myth. The population in this country increased by half a million last year in a country of over 65 million and considering our aging population, I don't see that as being an issue.

I have also heard 'but we only want skilled people to come here, let's have a point system' and that to me is the saddest of all became that means only highly skilled people can move here. What about those in other countries that couldn't afford to be educated to the level of a doctor for example. We are potentially excluding so many hard working and talented people because they weren't born into an environment where formal education was available or affordable.

I have been sad all day, I admit I have shed tears.

The fear of living next to an 'immigrant' is just that, a fear and in reality it is no different to someone born here.  They could be a neighbour from hell or they could be lovely and water your plants when you go on holiday.

I just want to know how I explain to my seven year old son who is mixed race and who's best friend was born in Hungary what on earth happened today.

Lesson 15

I'm not really sure what happened today. I was at work dealing with all the flooding in London, which was on a monumental scale, it was affecting the roads, the trains and the Underground. Usually during a situation like that I would be having a full on melt down. It's hard keeping up to date with so much information and as a perfectionist (and a desire to be in full control) I'm in an impossible situation. This morning something took over, not a voice or even an emotion just a desire to stay focused and methodical. I'm not saying I didn't get a little bit stressed or I didn't flap, but for about 80% of the time I didn't. 

I also had a moment when I got off the tube and started to walk to my car, I suddenly felt like I was on cloud nine. If you are a follower of Abraham Hicks you will understand when I say I was totally in the 'Vortex'. The Vortex is an expression used when you are so focused on being happy and appreciating all that is around. It's a state of mind that you should try and stay in for as long as possible, ideally always.  There was an odd moment though when I felt so enpowered by this energy I nearly complimented a teenage boy on his retro 'Micheal Jordon' Nike trainers! I did stop myself at the last moment to avoid any embarrassment! This afternoon just went so well for me, the traffic was fine, even along the stretches of road which are always busy, I had a nice text of a friend I haven't spoken to for a few months and when I got into my car and turned the radio on my favourite radio programme which is usually on Friday had been moved to today, Thursday. 

Lesson 15 is to tell myself that 'my thoughts are images that I have made' I am to again look around my environment and tell myself that over and over again. I'm still not completely understanding why I am telling myself these mantras and how they are helping. But I am finding that my mind is dealing with stressful situations a whole lot better. This is a year long course and I'm only two weeks in and I can already see the benefits, which I find incredible because I don't really understand what I am doing! 

Lesson 14

I accidentally took hundreds of selfies of myself on my mobile. I was with a friend for lunch and I had my phone in my hand and we were chatting away and I was talking excitingly and waving my arms around. Without knowing I was taking photo after photo. When I eventually realised what I had done I looked through the photos and the ones where you could see my face I could see on every single one I was laughing, not just smiling but laughing. I looked happy, really, really happy.

I was listening to a football match on the way home from work and the pundits were talking about the poor form Ronaldo has been in recently. One thing that they were discussing was, has he been trying too hard. Can you try to hard at football? Evidently there is the belief you can. I feel I often try to hard, I try so hard to please friends, family and work colleagues.  I often say things which I feel they want to hear, to keep the peace I sometimes agree with their opinions even though I disagree and I frequently try to hard to be the person they want me to be.

Lesson 14 again is to think about anything that makes me fearful and tell myself that it is not real. I was slightly concerned when I read this lesson as it stated it could lead me directly into fear. I did wonder if I would take a few backward steps today but I feel calm and at peace.

I am fearful of losing people from my life but I have always enjoyed thinking about this quote by the actor Will Smith

"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay"

Lesson 13

The moon was incredible this morning. Although working very early in the morning is a struggle there are always advantages and driving on a motorway with very little traffic and seeing the full moon in a beautiful dark sky is one of them.

The moon inspired me to have a peaceful day despite what I was thinking or experiencing through out today. I have taken the step to stop worrying about what others think about me, if someone wants to misjudge me then that is their issue and to be honest their loss. This journey has been recieved with mixed reactions but those who truly care and love me although may not understand it have embraced it and totally supported me. My mother said she hasn't a clue what I am writing about but she will read it everyday and true friends are making lovely positive comments. I am working towards a better me, a peaceful me and a happier version of me.

To keep me on the path I listened to a lecture Dr Wayne Dyer gave back in 2012. He was a great follower of Pierre Teilhard De Chardin and Dyer talked around one of his most famous quotes

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spirtual beings having a human experience."

I like that idea and I have been holding that thought with me today and I have come to the conclusion that if we only get one shot at this human experience we better make it a good one.

Lesson 13 is again to look at the world in a meaningless way. This is to stimulate fear and to reconise where the ego takes over. I have practiced this 3 times today, at work, at the school gate and at home. The first and the second time I was comfortable but the third I wasn't and fear took over. I am presuming this is because I have far more emotional connection with my surroundings at home.

I have had a sneaky look at tomorrow's lesson and it certainly looks deeper than I have been used to! As always I have an open mind and a positive attitude. Let's continue this human experience!

Lesson 12

There is definitely something changing within my mind. After yesterdays wobble, all I have wanted to do today is to be alone with my thoughts. I have been craving meditation and time alone. I have never been one to feel the need to be surrounded be people all of the time, although space, as is the case for most working mums is something I get very little of.

Today is the first day of  the Summer, the Summer Solstice and it has been raining in London, raining hard, the sky is dull and miserable. All I have heard all day is people moan about it being a typical British summer's day.  All I have been thinking about is the full moon scheduled for tonight. This full moon may look like any normal full moon but today it is called the 'Strawberry Moon' which only happens every fifty or so years. It was named by early native Americans because the full moon coincided with the start of the strawberry picking season.

Lesson 12 has been quite challenging, I have had to look around my environment and tell myself how I see the world, regardless of if I see it as good or bad. I carried out this lesson at work, on the tube and in the peaceful surroundings of the Lea Valley Park. I was quite surprised that my view on the world was positive and not as fearful or as sad a I thought I may view it.

Although I haven't seen the full moon today, as I have to go to bed before the sun sets I am hoping to see it in the early hours of tomorrow morning whilst driving to work. And I know before I even see it the stawberry moon will be spectacular.

Lesson 11

I almost gave up. Why?  I don't really know.

All I do know is that a quality in others that I dislike is giving up with out trying. Give up on something when you have explored every angle and every possibility but to give up without knowing all the facts is just pointless and you never know if you do give up you may be missing out on the best thing that ever happened to you.

The reason I probably dislike that quality in others is because I am so tempted to do that myself on many occasions and I would frequently love to take the easy route in life. I understand the need to let things flow to oneself but to put a brick wall up and say absolutely not I can't understand.

With that in mind I took many deep breaths and I am to continue, who knows maybe this road to inner peace is supposed to be bumpy!

Lesson 11 is a big step, it's the start of showing my mind that the thoughts that I think show me the world as I perceive it.  I am to say to myself frequently that my meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world. Again there is no need to understand or worry about what I am saying, I am just to do it.

Being positive is now the way forward, tomorrow is a new day and a new start.

Lesson 10

I am convinced this journey is improving my mind albeit slowly but at the same time I am convinced it is a detox for my mental state and I am paying for it today. I have had such a bad headache and I am sure it is my mind cleansing itself. I'm not sure how else to describe it, but I know things are starting to change.

Today my son was in our local towns carnival, he was representing his football team. We had to be there 45 minutes before the procession started, as more and more children gathered the noise level grew and every child was on arrival given a whistle, yes a whistle. The noise level became unbearable and other groups also involved in the carnival complained but I stayed perfectly calm, even with a stinking headache, I almost didn't reconise myself! Usually I would be totally neurotic that my son would go missing from the parade or snatched out of the group of children or any other unlikely scenario but today although I kept a close eye on him, I didn't feel my anxiety rise at all. I gave him space but I made sure he was safe, am I finally finding balance?

Today's lesson is similar to yesterday's but I am today to tell myself my thoughts do not mean anything. The idea is to accept past thoughts are just that and not present. I do this with my eyes closed and a couple of times feel good about certain thoughts not meaning anything but then others I feel a bit guilty about because they are good thoughts, but of course there should be no separation between good and bad.

Tomorrows lesson claims to be a 'major phase of the correction process' so I better go to sleep early and shift this headache and be ready!

Lesson 9

As I started to read the instructions for lesson 9 my heart swelled and I smiled the biggest smile, there were the words I needed...

'Understanding is not necessary at this point'

I felt like dancing frantically (I didn't it was 4am) I was so happy that none of this is supposed to make any sense right now. I no longer felt like I wasn't good enough or I could not think deep enough for the course. I now feel energised and I feel all is back on track.

Today's lesson is to again look around my environment and to say to myself I do not see the object as it is now. I have to look inside the room and also outside, not selecting anything but where ever my eyes fall. This I found easy as I didn't feel I had to add or take away any emotions.

I am finding that my everyday pace is slowing down, usually I rush around from one place to another not taking in anything around me but with these daily lessons I am starting to notice more around me, I am looking at buildings more, taking note of the trees and fields, noticing other people and trying to smile or even (yes in London) make small talk with others, so far I have found many people are happy to have a brief conversation as long as it doesn't appear that I am going to tell them my life story or I am after any money!

I listened this morning to Hay House radio, which I highly recommend and there was an interesting discussion about 'ego' which Dr Wayne Dyer also talks about a lot. It made me wonder why am I talking this journey.  Am I doing it for my ego so at the end of the year I can shout 'look at me I took every single lesson over the year and now I'm fixed' or am I doing it because I genuinely want to be fixed and find peace and tranquility. I really hope it's the latter.

Lesson 8

Why do you never see baby pigeons? No this isn't a joke, it's a question often asked, well today I did see not just one but two baby pigeons. On a busy road in Central London two baby pigeons were in trouble, they had left the nest too early, possibly because of the exceptionally heavy rain we've had this week. They looked like balls of fur and clearly needed help. A lovely women who was cycling past stopped and helped me pick them up and put them under a tree where we thought they would be safe, that was until a crowd of people walked past and passer by totally unaware nearly stepped on one. A women working in the Chinese herbal shop opposite to where all this happened came out, had a look, went back into the shop and then returned with a box. The baby pigeons were safely placed in the box and the adorable shop worker placed a little red flower in with them. We were three women calmly and peacefully working together to save 2 baby pigeons on the busy streets of London which reminded me of something Dr Wayne Dyer famously said. 

"Loving people will always live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world."

Lesson 8 concentrates on telling myself that my mind is preoccupied with past thoughts. I have been closing my eyes and letting my thoughts flow and anything that comes into my mind I isolate and remind myself that it is a past thought. I am comfortable with his but to be fair I don't know why I am doing it, the course claims it's part of the training of the mind. I understand that the past is the past and the future hasn't arrived so living in the moment is the only way but to what extent should I dismiss the past.  

My mother called me yesterday to tell me she is now reading all about my journey. She said she's enjoying it and will read it every day but she doesn't have a clue what it's all about and in a way that's exactly how I feel too! 

Lesson 7

There was no rubbish left on my desk when I arrived at work this morning, absolutely nothing, my desk was neat and tidy! Either the person responsible has been reading this or my change in attitude has sorted it. Either way I have the result I wanted, let's hope it continues!

I can't understand why I keep getting a shift in my mood, I am positive for most of the time but I keep getting injections of grumpiness. I listened to of one of my favorite Abraham Hicks speeches in the car on the way to work, the main message that came through was stop focusing on the negatives and keep in your mind positives about all the situations that are troubling me. Today any time I had a negative thought about anything that is bothering me or annoying me I rejected it and put a positive one about that subject in it's place.

Lesson 7 is to look at objects around me and state that 'I only see the past'. The explanation of the lesson claims that this could be difficult to believe at the start, but clearly I am getting how this all works, well much more than last week, as I got it almost straight away.

For example on the way to work I was carrying out the lesson, I looked around me and saw a shop which was open, at 4am(!) in front of the shop there were lots of different colourful fruits for sale. How did I know they were fruits and not brighly painted objects about to attack me (yes I know thats an extreme example!), because my past told me so. When I got to work I looked around the kitchen and looked at the mugs, I know they are mugs because my past has always presented them as drinking vessels. If I was at home and looked at the mugs in my kitchen I would have an emotional attachment to one mug in particular because I was given it went I left BBC Northampton about 20 years ago, again it's my past giving me that emotional tie.

What I still don't understand and I guess I'm not suppose to pre judge this, but I clearly am, is how these lessons so far are helping me. I am an impatient person as with lots of things in my life I like results quickly. I must keep telling myself this is a year longer journey and I don't have a choice so I better keep plodding on!

Lesson 6

Yesterday I finished my blog entry on a negative note, yet whilst writing I felt quite positive.

I am wondering if giving up negativity and retraining my thoughts is a bit like detoxing or giving up smoking. If you give something up like sugar you find your skin goes weird for a while, mine goes all spotty and blotchy, so I am thinking that maybe during this process all the bad stuff in my head needs to be released somehow. Today I am feeling teary, for no reason in particular. I know if someone asked me if I am OK, I know I would just burst into tears. I have felt on and off all day as 'out of sorts' I can't seem to pin point why today is so different and at times difficult.

Lesson 6 is to say to myself that 'I am upset because I see something that is not there'

I often take things personally and when decisions are made that I don't agree with or dislike rather than see the reality of the choice someone has made, I look at it as personal attack and dramatise the whole situation.

Yet again when I arrived at work this morning my desk area was a mess - the worst being an empty sandwich carton with the crusts left in! This time I took a breath picked it up and took it to the bin, although I did make it known to my work colleagues what I was doing, but compared to yesterday's melt down over the rubbish, I am improving!

In that situation the real reason I am upset is not because I have to move someone's rubbish (which takes seconds) but somewhere deep down I believe someone has left the rubbish there with no respect for me. Of course that's not true, the person who left it there probably doesn't know my name as we work totally different hours. The sad reality is they just think that their mess isn't their issue and someone will clear up after them.

I am finding the lessons slightly clearer and telling myself the mantra of the day has helped me get through today better than I probably would have done if I hadn't been on the course. Even so let's hope the litter bug doesn't return tomorrow!

Lesson 5

There was a slight hiccup in my journey to work this morning, but I stayed calm even though my thoughts were telling me I should start to panic as I may be late for work, I was actually feeling quite smug that maybe I was starting to change and I was handling stressful situations better. I wasn't late for work and once again I was happy I didn't waste any energy worrying about something that never happened.

That all changed when I eventually arrived at work, my desk had been used over the weekend and there was rubbish everywhere, a Pret bag full of empty food cartons, dirty mugs, cutlery and an empty drinks can. I don't know why this had such an impact on me, but I was so annoyed, I ranted about the selfishness of my co-workers, took pictures of the mess and reported it to one of the managers.

Why didn't I just calmly put everything in the bin, it would have only taken seconds to do so and then get on with my day I just don't know. Why do the actions of others really get to me. They are thoughtless, I am not, so why do I let that ruin part of my day.

A number of hours after that all happened, I know exactly how I should have behaved but at the time I felt like I was on a mission to prove how disgusting and filthy these people are and nothing was going to stop me.

There's a expression by Confucius which states "Before you embark on revenge, dig two graves' and that's really what I should have thought about this morning as my stress levels were so high I had shooting pains through my chest all morning, I felt I could have literally dug my own grave!

Ironically (or not) Lesson 5 is to think about the phrase - 'I am never upset for the reason I think'

I am to think about any situations which are currently upsetting me and apply that phrase to my thoughts. There are many situations which I am currently finding upsetting and I am working through them one by one.

I was inspired today to watch the film 'The Shift' which is a film put together by Dr Wayne Dyer. I am a huge fan of his work but I have always been put off watching the film as it starts in a very cheesy way (look it up and you will see) but today I felt drawn to watch it. Putting aside the obvious story line which runs through the film, watching Dr Dyer speaking to a camera in his way is inspiring. The one theme running through the film which resonates with me is that I have to let go of control of my life. I have to absolutely stop trying to control all of my life, I have to let be what is meant to be. It is evident in my experience that the more I try to cling onto something and control it, no matter how bad I want it, the more the guarantee it is to slip away from me to never be seen again.

Lesson 4

One of the many reasons for me going on this journey is I suffer at times from anxiety. I have been reading today about ex One Direction singer Zayn Malik pulling out of Capitals Summer time ball because of anxiety. Although he has received a lot of support he has also received a lot of criticism. I have read comments along the lines of 'why is he still in the public eye if he suffers from this condition' and 'I bet he's using it as an excuse just so he doesn't bump into his ex girlfriend'

I don't know in what form anxiety prevents Zayn from performing, but for me it is always the fear that I would be 'found out'. Someone would hear me on the radio and realise I wasn't very good and there are loads of people who could do it better. Once I went through a number of months where if someone apart from the usual presenters and producers were in the studio I was crippled with fear. I sounded out of breath on the radio and my heart was pounding to the point I was convinced the microphone could pick it up! Previously to that I have performed in front of many high profile guests even once the extremely handsome Colin Farrell massaged my shoulders whilst I was broadcasting and I didn't let it phase me.  But during my anxiety spells there is nothing anyone can say to me to snap me out of it, I have in the past just let it run its course.

All the money in the world wouldn't have snapped me out of my anxiety spells so I truly doubt even though Zayn is a wealthy, good looking and successful 23 year old he could either. I hope he gets the help he needs so he feels calm and peace.

Lesson 4 of 'A Course In Miracles' relates to our thoughts. The lesson involves telling myself that my thoughts don't mean anything, just like when I was looking at objects during lesson one. I am encouraged by the lesson to apply this to good and bad thoughts. I am being told by the course this is the start of training my mind to separate meaningful and meaningless thoughts.

I am more comfortable with today's lesson as I feel like I am actually doing something towards my goal which is having more control over my emotions. Usually I detest Sunday evenings, it's the night I do my housework, I struggle to get my son to bed early and I have trouble getting to sleep myself for my 2.45am alarm. The whole way through huffing and puffing through cleaning the bathroom and getting annoyed that I'm doing it on a Sunday night I decided to put the lesson into practice, did it help? A little, did I enjoy scrubbing the toilet? Absolutely not!

Lesson 3

I am stubborn, as stubborn as they come. When I set my mind to something I will do it. My New Years resolution was to lose 2 and a half stone by my 40th birthday which is in July. I said I would fast every other day. On fasting days I only eat 500 calories. It's been hard but I've stuck to it and so far lost nearly 2 stone.

When I decided to start this spiritual journey I know as a stubborn old mule I would stick with it for the whole year, but today I am having doubts.

Today's lesson, lesson 3 is to look around my environment as the previous 2 days and declare I do not understand anything. I must do this without questioning it. I'm a curious person and I like meaning behind everything, so I am questioning how I can say this to myself. But I have done my best to clear my mind for a couple of minutes and do as I am told!

My concern is none of these lessons are going to make sense and I am going to go through them day by day to no effect. There's one thing in life which really upsets me when I put my trust in someone or something and then I'm let down, it doesn't happen frequently but when it does, it blooming hurts me and it then takes me time to build trust again.

I guess I want results after 3 days, which considering the course is 365 days long, I guess I am asking for the impossible and being impatient. As Abraham Hick states 'Believe it before you see it'

Maybe I am already seeing results for example, my son was camping last night with his school and I was home alone. This is the first time he has done such an activity let alone with out his parents. I have had mixed emotions about him being away, worry, acceptance he is getting older, joy that I have an evening to myself and guilt that I feel like that! But last night I was calm and took an advantage of an early night and had a great sleep. The theory of it's waste of time and energy worrying about something before it even happens is starting to hit home.

I've had a sneaky look at lesson 4 and I'm feeling more at ease as it seems the last 3 days lessons will become clearer, so here's to tomorrow.

Lesson 2

It always causes great amusement when I as a travel reporter become stuck in traffic. I wasn't stuck in a huge tailback but I was sat in North London with out moving for about 20 minutes. There was no real reason for it, it was just general Friday get away traffic.

Before I started these lessons, I researched into 'A Course In Miracles' and one of the principles is 'nothing is real'. As I have only just started on this journey I don't feel I know the true meaning behind this statement, but I was thinking about this whilst stuck in traffic and I felt that today the traffic was only real if I let it bother me. I had to be at my sons school at a certain time to help set up tents, they are having a sleep over at school and my son and his friends have been looking forward to this for weeks. To begin with I grew anxious that I was going to be dreadfully late and I would be letting people down. But I just kept saying to myself the problem is only a problem if I allow it to be. Does it really matter if I'm a few minutes late, the sleep over will still happen, the tents will still go up and my son and his friends will still have an incredible time. I let the anxious emotion go, I let go completely, listened to the radio and went with it. For me this is a huge step, I very rarely let go and just let be what is going to be.

Lesson 2 was the opposite to yesterday's lesson. This time I had to look around me and give meanings to objects, this time I found it difficult to find a meaning, for example I looked at my phone at work and just couldn't find a meaning or feeling towards it! Yesterday I could find meanings when I was told not to and today when I had to give a meaning I couldn't. I have to be honest I am wondering what this is really all about! Maybe the lessons are too high brow for me and I won't work out the true reason behind them and all I will be is in a constant state of confusion.

As for arriving at my sons school, I was only 3 minutes late and all the parents were having a good old gossip outside the school gate, no one had ventured to the campsite and not one person noticed I was late!

Lesson 1

I found myself staring at a brick wall today and I started to feel sorry for the wall. Yes I am possibly tired after a busy week, it is Thursday after all, but todays lesson, lesson number 1, is to look at objects around me and say to myself that the object has no meaning. 

The wall was a lovely colour of red, it was very neat and the bricks were uniformed, I started to fight against the lesson which was saying that I couldn't give a meaning to the wall, someone built the wall, someone planned the wall but at the same time many people walk past the wall every day and don't give it second thought. I like this wall, but as I am following the lessons to the letter, I had to accept it means nothing. 

I have been assured by the introduction of the lessons in the 'A Course of Miracles' book that I don't need to believe in the lessons, accept them or welcome them, I simply have to carry out the instructions as I am directed to. Clearly after todays lesson I am happy to discover this as I really don't know what I am supposed to be learning from this first lesson at all!

Next to the brick wall was a wire mesh wall and I found it so much easier to say that had no meaning, I looked at my coat, yes it has no meaning, I looked at my car, yes it has no meaning, I am one of a small number of people who just think of their car as a means to get from one place to another.  

It's day one of the lessons and I accept nothing is going to happen straight away, so I have very little to report, but a strange thing did occur this afternoon. I admit I don't have one of those faces where people or strangers share their problems with. In social situations it's very rare for someone I have never met before to start a conversation with me, I probably have the sort of body language which says 'I am stressed don't you dare talk to me!' So you can imagine my absolute shock when at the school gate a granddad of one of the pupils started a conversation with me. Within moments he was sharing with me he had found out the day before his wife has been given six months to live, she has terminal cancer. I started to speak to him calmly (although inside I was thinking 'don't say something insensitive') and we chatted for some time, I am sure I offered no words of wisdom, but after speaking with him I felt washed with calm. I handled the situation and I didn't have the urge as I normally do to make an excuse to leave and run.

Unsurprisingly I haven't been calm all day! As you know I broadcast travel information on the radio and today there was an 'emergency incident' on the A1 near Archway, sadly the incident revolved around a bridge which is nicknamed, rather insensitively, 'suicide bridge'. Over many years people have died and after a long campaign a fence over 3 meters high was installed. Heartbreakingly though people still die there. One way I gauge how bad travel 

is in situations like this is I browse Twitter. One of the first Tweets I read was a women saying the problem was caused by someone selfish. My blood boiled and I ranted on Twitter about the seriousness of mental health issues.

Overall today I have experienced calm and stress, but it is only day one and I'm in a year long journey.

I haven't looked ahead to tomorrows lesson yet as I am trying to take it one day at a time, but I have a sense of anticipation and I can't work out if that's exciting or petrifying.  

A Course in Miracles

A Course in Miracles was put together by two doctors working at Columbia University of Physicians and surgeons. Dr Helen Schucman and Dr Bill Thetford originally didn't get along well and one day something had to change as the atmosphere of arguments and ego couldn't continue. It is said that at this point a Course in Miracles started. The two put their differences aside and the book flowed. To sum the book up in a very basic way it is a spiritual guide to teach love and forgiveness. 

The first edition was published the year I was born 1976 and in its 40th year it is still in print has sold over 3 million copies and has been translated into 25 languages. This is all without advertising and publicity.

The book though is often bought but then very soon discarded by the reader as it is a difficult read but as suggested by Alan Cohen in his book 'A Course in Miracles made easy' I am going to start with the lessons. There is a lesson for everyday of the year. By the end of the year, as I am instructed by the course I must only do one a day, the main body of the book will be easier to read and understand. Also by the end of the year I hope that I will be able to chose love over fear and be at peace with myself. I also hope I let go of the desire of control over every part of my life and become a better person.

The journey starts tomorrow with lesson one and I am going  in with an open mind, let's see if this course really can change a life. 

Ups and downs

I don't know in what form 'God' exists or if 'he' does at all. I am sure there isn't a man with a big white beard sat on a cloud above us orchestrating what goes on in the world, but I do believe in something.  What that something is I haven't decided but I do believe in positive thoughts attract positive outcomes and if you believe hard enough that something good is coming your way it does. 

That is why I have always been attracted to spirituality rather than a more formal religion. I only discovered the works of Esther Hicks and Dr Wayne Dyer a few years ago. Once I found them I realised I had been practicing the art of manifesting since I was a young child without even knowing it. Manifesting, if you aren't aware, very simply put is desiring something, then imaging and feeling like you already have it and it appears in your life, most often in a way that is most unexpected!  Most people are surprised when I tell them I can do this and the first question is usually 'well why don't you manifest a lottery win?' The honest answer is you absolutely can manifest a lottery win, but sadly you have to really, really, really believe it's going to happen to you and that's when I fall down, I subconsciously don't believe I deserve that and I equally am not a material person so I believe that sort of money would be wasted on me. 

When I was in the final weeks of my University course I suddenly decided I wanted to be a travel reporter on the radio. I had already been working for BBC Northampton as an assistant producer but I only had experience on air at the local hospital radio station. So for those final weeks I listened to as many travel reports on the radio as I could and I imitated them, talking out loud as if I was broadcasting and I acted as if I was was already a fully fledged travel reporter. After only a couple of weeks I received a phone call (out of the blue) from a company called 'AA Roadwatch' who in those days provided travel reports to many radio stations and asked if I would be interested in joining them as a information collator, clearly I jumped at the chance.  

I could give you so many examples of how I 'manifested' my desires, but believe me it's not always that easy, although saying that it is straight forward when life is good, when you feel invincible and you feel the world is revolving around you, but once you start having negative experiences in your life, manifesting even the smallest of desires for me becomes impossible. 

That's where I am now, I can't seem to have any consistency in my feelings and I can't seem to 'turn things' around. 

When I am 'up' I pour over my spirituality books, I relate to them, I feel at peace, I feel gratitude for everything around me and I feel the happiness from within, as Abraham Hicks puts it, I am in the Vortex, But when I am 'down' I don't want to look at any thing let alone read my books that would ultimately help me, it's almost a challenge I have with myself to stay grumpy for as long as possible. Which is not at all the answer to anything. 

In these last few weeks I have been forcing myself to pick up my books again and I discovered a new author, Alan Cohen, who I really found by accident on Amazon, although if you truly believe in the journey I am about to take, there are no accidents everything happens for a reason. When I was browsing through Amazon I saw one of Cohens books had 5 stars and so I bought it. The book is titled 'A Course in Miracles made easy' 

I had previously seen references to 'A Course In Miracles' or ACIM to it's dedicated followers but I never thought about looking into it further.  Well that is about to change and I am about to dedicate a year of my life to it. 

The beginning

Hello my name is Joanne Webb and I am a control freak. 

Perhaps that sounds worse than the reality but I feel the need to control every single part of my life, I like to be the puppeteer of all that I do. The moment any part of my life starts slipping away from my control, I panic, I imagine all sorts of disasters and dramas about to come my way. 

Ever since I was a young child I have always been considered 'lucky'. My parents had a successful business , I was showered in love and I never wanted for anything. I did well at school, passing my 11+ exam when I wasn't expected to and as I grew older I had many friends, I was popular and always had a choice of boyfriends. After University I walked straight into a dream job in London, where I always said I wanted to work, I never thought anything bad could happen to me, the thought that I was expected to live anything other than a wonderful life never ever entered my imagination. Although I was technically spoilt I was also kind and sensitive, I always chose love over hate and I never ever judged anyone, my Dad and I have had and still do have many heated discussions about my liberalism! 

When my beautiful son, Henry was born everything changed. The world all of sudden became a very scary and dark place, I no longer had control. The birth was traumatic and I feel as if I let my son down because I couldn't give birth naturally and I also couldn't breastfeed despite trying everything, even writing this now stirs so many scary emotions. Henry was born with an infection which wasn't picked up until he was 5 days old and by that time he was so ill he was rushed into intensive care and it was touch and go, the consultant gave us the 'if he survives the night he will have a fighting chance' talk.  He did survive and is now the most incredible child but something inside me changed. I became fearful and realised life wasn't always incredible and bad things could happen to me. I vowed to control my life and never let go again.

To the outside world I now have the perfect job, I work in radio, I work with and have done for over 10 years with someone I grew up watching on TV and I also work with a Spice girl...I mean that surely is everyone's dream!  Although I do find it bizarre no one envy's my 2.45am alarm call every week day!  I live in the beautiful Hertfordshire countryside, in a village with thatched cottages and a duck pond yet work in central London, with all the excitement that brings.  I have a wonderful family and I now have the long desired rescue dog and with him we have the most incredible countryside walks every weekend. 

All was going well as I felt I was in control, or so I thought, until recently. Relationships around me started to collapse, my amazing job changed beyond recognition and became so stressful and the money I earned no longer lasted the month, there were always unexpected bills arriving when I thought my financial situation was improving. A roof dripping, a nail in my car tyre or an expected gas bill etc! 

I felt my life was at a crossroads, I wanted to get back to feeling good just like I did before I felt I had to control absolutely every area of my life 

I had to change, life couldn't carry on like this and this is the start of my journey from fear to love.