Lesson 4

One of the many reasons for me going on this journey is I suffer at times from anxiety. I have been reading today about ex One Direction singer Zayn Malik pulling out of Capitals Summer time ball because of anxiety. Although he has received a lot of support he has also received a lot of criticism. I have read comments along the lines of 'why is he still in the public eye if he suffers from this condition' and 'I bet he's using it as an excuse just so he doesn't bump into his ex girlfriend'

I don't know in what form anxiety prevents Zayn from performing, but for me it is always the fear that I would be 'found out'. Someone would hear me on the radio and realise I wasn't very good and there are loads of people who could do it better. Once I went through a number of months where if someone apart from the usual presenters and producers were in the studio I was crippled with fear. I sounded out of breath on the radio and my heart was pounding to the point I was convinced the microphone could pick it up! Previously to that I have performed in front of many high profile guests even once the extremely handsome Colin Farrell massaged my shoulders whilst I was broadcasting and I didn't let it phase me.  But during my anxiety spells there is nothing anyone can say to me to snap me out of it, I have in the past just let it run its course.

All the money in the world wouldn't have snapped me out of my anxiety spells so I truly doubt even though Zayn is a wealthy, good looking and successful 23 year old he could either. I hope he gets the help he needs so he feels calm and peace.

Lesson 4 of 'A Course In Miracles' relates to our thoughts. The lesson involves telling myself that my thoughts don't mean anything, just like when I was looking at objects during lesson one. I am encouraged by the lesson to apply this to good and bad thoughts. I am being told by the course this is the start of training my mind to separate meaningful and meaningless thoughts.

I am more comfortable with today's lesson as I feel like I am actually doing something towards my goal which is having more control over my emotions. Usually I detest Sunday evenings, it's the night I do my housework, I struggle to get my son to bed early and I have trouble getting to sleep myself for my 2.45am alarm. The whole way through huffing and puffing through cleaning the bathroom and getting annoyed that I'm doing it on a Sunday night I decided to put the lesson into practice, did it help? A little, did I enjoy scrubbing the toilet? Absolutely not!