Hello my name is Joanne Webb and I am a control freak.
Perhaps
that sounds worse than the reality but I feel the need to control every
single part of my life, I like to be the puppeteer of all that I do.
The moment any part of my life starts slipping away from my control, I
panic, I imagine all sorts of disasters and dramas about to come my
way.
Ever
since I was a young child I have always been considered 'lucky'. My
parents had a successful business , I was showered in love and I never
wanted for anything. I did well at school, passing my 11+ exam when I
wasn't expected to and as I grew older I had many friends, I was popular
and always had a choice of boyfriends. After University I walked
straight into a dream job in London, where I always said I wanted to
work, I never thought anything bad could happen to me, the thought that I
was expected to live anything other than a wonderful life never ever
entered my imagination. Although I was technically spoilt I was also
kind and sensitive, I always chose love over hate and I never ever
judged anyone, my Dad and I have had and still do have many heated
discussions about my liberalism!
When
my beautiful son, Henry was born everything changed. The world all of
sudden became a very scary and dark place, I no longer had control. The
birth was traumatic and I feel as if I let my son down because I
couldn't give birth naturally and I also couldn't breastfeed despite
trying everything, even writing this now stirs so many scary emotions.
Henry was born with an infection which wasn't picked up until he was 5
days old and by that time he was so ill he was rushed into intensive
care and it was touch and go, the consultant gave us the 'if he survives
the night he will have a fighting chance' talk. He did survive and is
now the most incredible child but something inside me changed. I became
fearful and realised life wasn't always incredible and bad things could
happen to me. I vowed to control my life and never let go again.
To the outside world I now have the perfect job, I work in radio, I work
with and have done for over 10 years with someone I grew up watching on
TV and I also work with a Spice girl...I mean that surely is everyone's
dream! Although I do find it bizarre no one envy's my 2.45am alarm
call every week day! I live in the beautiful Hertfordshire countryside,
in a village with thatched cottages and a duck pond yet work in central
London, with all the excitement that brings. I have a wonderful family
and I now have the long desired rescue dog and with him we have the
most incredible countryside walks every weekend.
All
was going well as I felt I was in control, or so I thought, until
recently. Relationships around me started to collapse, my amazing job
changed beyond recognition and became so stressful and the money I
earned no longer lasted the month, there were always unexpected bills
arriving when I thought my financial situation was improving. A roof
dripping, a nail in my car tyre or an expected gas bill etc!
I
felt my life was at a crossroads, I wanted to get back to feeling good
just like I did before I felt I had to control absolutely every area of
my life
I had to change, life couldn't carry on like this and this is the start of my journey from fear to love.
