Lesson 17

I was catching up with Orange is the new Black, if you haven't seen it it's an American comedy drama set in a women's prison. Whilst it is very funny at times it is also serious, gritty and very dark. One of the characters, Piper, was set upon by a gang who wanted revenge so they took her to the prison kitchen. They then branded her (with an iron rod heated up on the kitchen gas hob). I can't even begin to tell you how I felt when I realised they were branding her with the worst symbol of our time. I can't speak the name of the sign as that in my mind validates it but think Germany, Second World War. Yes it's fiction but I felt physically sick. Following the episode I thought about it and how she was going to live like that. I then watched the next episode and Pipers friends made the sign into a window, think a child's drawing of a window. She had to be burnt again, but she was willing to go through that pain once again so she didn't have to live with the alternative.

That's how minds think differently, I was trying to think of a way she was going to live with it but her prison friends thought of a way to change the situation so she didn't have to live with it at all.

Retraining my mind is so important, I am beginning to see how. Lesson 17 keeps with the theme of I don't see neutral things. I have been looking at everything around my and reaffirming that my thoughts about everything aren't neutral.

I kept a level head this evening whilst going through the the Sunday night chores, making sure my sons school uniform, PE kit, football training bag and swimming bag are sorted (why do children need so many bags!) cleaning the house and sorting myself out for work, all went well. My son even helped with the vacuuming! I just kept telling myself no one enjoys this but it has to be done and I am a happy mother and doing it all really is something I should be grateful for. Which I obviously am.

I saw this today and it made me smile...

"You have mastered the selfie. Now, master thy self."

Lesson 16

Lesson 16 is about having no neutral thoughts. I am to close my eyes and any thought that comes into my mind, good or bad I am to tell myself it is not a neutral thought.

I am an unsure on what this is trying to achieve as I never dismiss any thought as neutral, it says within the lesson that this is the first step to acknowledging that all thoughts bring either love or fear. Perhaps I over think but that isn't dismissing thoughts as neutral.

After not being indulged in this journey yesterday I certainly felt the fall out today. I had to go to the supermarket today, on a Saturday and with my son, who is seven years old. I knew this wasn't ideal as I have never been good with crowed shops or my son nagging me for every sweet treat we pass. The moment I found myself explaining to my son I was refusing to pay an extra £2 for a box of breakfast cereal just because it had a picture of some marvel character on it (yes such a thing exists, it could have been Thor but I'm not that up on such things!)  I knew missing yesterday's lesson was a mistake.

Yesterday was terrible, but I have tried today to stay away from various news websites and not being a work and being surrounded by news has helped. I obviously can't pretend it hasn't happened but there are ways around it if I keep my thoughts in check. The area I live in voted overall to remain in the EU and the area I work also voted to remain. That's a positive. I just have to be confident in the knowledge I will always have my principles and even though many people disagree with me they are mine and I own them with pride.

Update: My son reliably informs me it was Captain America on the front of the cereal box and not Thor. He's very disappointed I don't know the difference!

No lesson today

What a day, historic and extremely sad.

I am going to be honest I tried to do lesson 16 today but I just couldn't focus or give the correct attention to it. I think it would be a waste so I am to revisit lesson 16 tomorrow.

I am liberal, my absolute biggest belief is to treat others as equals and to see them on the basis of their personality, I detest anyone being judged, let alone on their country of birth, their skin colour, their religious beliefs or the way they dress.

Today the beautiful country I have always adored living in, decided to vote to leave the European Union. While I absolutely don't believe that the EU is perfect or indeed what this country needs, I equally see the benefits of being in and in my mind there are more than being out and I absolutely believe in open borders.

I work with and I live with lots of people who were not born in this country and all I see is hard working, caring and kind people. I am not stupid enough to see that there are some people who come to this country to commit crime but I believe they are a tiny percentage of people who decided to make their home here.

I know many people didn't use their vote as an EU 'out' vote instead they wanted to use their vote to show the government they are angry and rightly so in many cases at the austerity measures. The way some people have been treated during this time has been appalling and there is no excuse but this vote was for the future of our country within the EU.

I have no doubt the vast majority of voters wanting to leave the EU were against and excuse me for the appalling term 'mass immigration'. I understand some wanted to regain political power but speaking to people voting to leave and listening to their views on many radio stations has reinforced my belief.

There is no 'mass immigration' it's a myth. The population in this country increased by half a million last year in a country of over 65 million and considering our aging population, I don't see that as being an issue.

I have also heard 'but we only want skilled people to come here, let's have a point system' and that to me is the saddest of all became that means only highly skilled people can move here. What about those in other countries that couldn't afford to be educated to the level of a doctor for example. We are potentially excluding so many hard working and talented people because they weren't born into an environment where formal education was available or affordable.

I have been sad all day, I admit I have shed tears.

The fear of living next to an 'immigrant' is just that, a fear and in reality it is no different to someone born here.  They could be a neighbour from hell or they could be lovely and water your plants when you go on holiday.

I just want to know how I explain to my seven year old son who is mixed race and who's best friend was born in Hungary what on earth happened today.

Lesson 15

I'm not really sure what happened today. I was at work dealing with all the flooding in London, which was on a monumental scale, it was affecting the roads, the trains and the Underground. Usually during a situation like that I would be having a full on melt down. It's hard keeping up to date with so much information and as a perfectionist (and a desire to be in full control) I'm in an impossible situation. This morning something took over, not a voice or even an emotion just a desire to stay focused and methodical. I'm not saying I didn't get a little bit stressed or I didn't flap, but for about 80% of the time I didn't. 

I also had a moment when I got off the tube and started to walk to my car, I suddenly felt like I was on cloud nine. If you are a follower of Abraham Hicks you will understand when I say I was totally in the 'Vortex'. The Vortex is an expression used when you are so focused on being happy and appreciating all that is around. It's a state of mind that you should try and stay in for as long as possible, ideally always.  There was an odd moment though when I felt so enpowered by this energy I nearly complimented a teenage boy on his retro 'Micheal Jordon' Nike trainers! I did stop myself at the last moment to avoid any embarrassment! This afternoon just went so well for me, the traffic was fine, even along the stretches of road which are always busy, I had a nice text of a friend I haven't spoken to for a few months and when I got into my car and turned the radio on my favourite radio programme which is usually on Friday had been moved to today, Thursday. 

Lesson 15 is to tell myself that 'my thoughts are images that I have made' I am to again look around my environment and tell myself that over and over again. I'm still not completely understanding why I am telling myself these mantras and how they are helping. But I am finding that my mind is dealing with stressful situations a whole lot better. This is a year long course and I'm only two weeks in and I can already see the benefits, which I find incredible because I don't really understand what I am doing! 

Lesson 14

I accidentally took hundreds of selfies of myself on my mobile. I was with a friend for lunch and I had my phone in my hand and we were chatting away and I was talking excitingly and waving my arms around. Without knowing I was taking photo after photo. When I eventually realised what I had done I looked through the photos and the ones where you could see my face I could see on every single one I was laughing, not just smiling but laughing. I looked happy, really, really happy.

I was listening to a football match on the way home from work and the pundits were talking about the poor form Ronaldo has been in recently. One thing that they were discussing was, has he been trying too hard. Can you try to hard at football? Evidently there is the belief you can. I feel I often try to hard, I try so hard to please friends, family and work colleagues.  I often say things which I feel they want to hear, to keep the peace I sometimes agree with their opinions even though I disagree and I frequently try to hard to be the person they want me to be.

Lesson 14 again is to think about anything that makes me fearful and tell myself that it is not real. I was slightly concerned when I read this lesson as it stated it could lead me directly into fear. I did wonder if I would take a few backward steps today but I feel calm and at peace.

I am fearful of losing people from my life but I have always enjoyed thinking about this quote by the actor Will Smith

"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay"

Lesson 13

The moon was incredible this morning. Although working very early in the morning is a struggle there are always advantages and driving on a motorway with very little traffic and seeing the full moon in a beautiful dark sky is one of them.

The moon inspired me to have a peaceful day despite what I was thinking or experiencing through out today. I have taken the step to stop worrying about what others think about me, if someone wants to misjudge me then that is their issue and to be honest their loss. This journey has been recieved with mixed reactions but those who truly care and love me although may not understand it have embraced it and totally supported me. My mother said she hasn't a clue what I am writing about but she will read it everyday and true friends are making lovely positive comments. I am working towards a better me, a peaceful me and a happier version of me.

To keep me on the path I listened to a lecture Dr Wayne Dyer gave back in 2012. He was a great follower of Pierre Teilhard De Chardin and Dyer talked around one of his most famous quotes

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spirtual beings having a human experience."

I like that idea and I have been holding that thought with me today and I have come to the conclusion that if we only get one shot at this human experience we better make it a good one.

Lesson 13 is again to look at the world in a meaningless way. This is to stimulate fear and to reconise where the ego takes over. I have practiced this 3 times today, at work, at the school gate and at home. The first and the second time I was comfortable but the third I wasn't and fear took over. I am presuming this is because I have far more emotional connection with my surroundings at home.

I have had a sneaky look at tomorrow's lesson and it certainly looks deeper than I have been used to! As always I have an open mind and a positive attitude. Let's continue this human experience!

Lesson 12

There is definitely something changing within my mind. After yesterdays wobble, all I have wanted to do today is to be alone with my thoughts. I have been craving meditation and time alone. I have never been one to feel the need to be surrounded be people all of the time, although space, as is the case for most working mums is something I get very little of.

Today is the first day of  the Summer, the Summer Solstice and it has been raining in London, raining hard, the sky is dull and miserable. All I have heard all day is people moan about it being a typical British summer's day.  All I have been thinking about is the full moon scheduled for tonight. This full moon may look like any normal full moon but today it is called the 'Strawberry Moon' which only happens every fifty or so years. It was named by early native Americans because the full moon coincided with the start of the strawberry picking season.

Lesson 12 has been quite challenging, I have had to look around my environment and tell myself how I see the world, regardless of if I see it as good or bad. I carried out this lesson at work, on the tube and in the peaceful surroundings of the Lea Valley Park. I was quite surprised that my view on the world was positive and not as fearful or as sad a I thought I may view it.

Although I haven't seen the full moon today, as I have to go to bed before the sun sets I am hoping to see it in the early hours of tomorrow morning whilst driving to work. And I know before I even see it the stawberry moon will be spectacular.